am i bipolar?

today whilst at the doctors, trying to get something to curb my anxiety; he asked me if i was bipolar, since anti-anxiety medication doesn't go well with the bipolar. now, this was a very good question. no one had ever asked me this before. so when i would hear of a bipolar person, i would think "sucks for them". but once the question was directed to me, i started to think maybe, just maybe, i might have that disorder.

Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very quick.

ask my boyfriend if he thinks i am bipolar and he will say yes before he even blinks....and this is coming from a dude who takes at least five seconds to figure out which way is left. (but we still love each other).

personally, i don't think i am bipolar as much as i believe everyone else is a bunch of infuriating morons. i just try to be nice, and then people do something irritating, and therefore i take away my good attitude as punishment to them.

my mom has referred to me as a sour patch kid. supposedly i am evil, and then i do something extremely nice. i guess it makes it hard for people to dislike me for any long period of time.

 

one thing is certain, i am definitely not a morning person....or work person. the monotony of seeing the same people day in and day out starts to work on my nerves. so when i come to work, sometimes i do not want to be talked to. if you are around someone too long, they eventually always say the same irritating stuff every time you see them. so if i am having a bad start to my day, i end up dreading having to see coworkers.so, i don't necessary have fast mood changes, it's just one day i am happy to see certain people, and other days i am not.

sometimes, i decide i hate someone for the day, then i talk myself out of it and decide to be nice. that may be misconstrued as bipolar.

i don't know, i guess until i kill someone i will live not knowing the truth about my psyche. it doesn't matter anyways, the pharmacy just called and my lovely insurance doesn't cover the anti-depressants....

i am uninspired.

welp, i tried to think of a blog topic for tonight. i tried so hard that veins actually bulged out of my forehead. but to no avail. although....i am pretty impressed by one of my old drawings i found. it reminds me of an old woman whom got clawed by some type of villainous, long nailed creature. not robert pattinson

but like a heterosexual, sexy beast....kind of like jake ryan from sixteen candles if he had werewolf tendencies.

i may masturbate to that image later... but for now i am getting off subject.
oh yeah, i was speaking of my writers block.
i once mentioned that i had an epiphany that lead me to believe i should research each blog. that's not gonna happen. research is for fags! just kidding. back when i was a bully i thought it was funny to call people fags, but it's not.

if i had my way i would be a gay man. i honestly feel that i am a gay man trapped in a giant boobed straight woman's body. woe is me. if i were a man i would inherit the physique of my brother and dad, not the physique of a fertility goddess. does the circus still have freak shows? i can be employed as the giant breasted  freak. is it odd that i have never been pregnant yet my mammaries are the size of a fiat? did your god just desire that i be a hunch backed freak? i assume so.

i've been robbed!

some felonious bastards broke into my house yesterday and stole ALL my jewelry, my bass guitar, my boyfriends bass, and my digital camera (why i have no pictures to post) and a picture printer. luckily my boyfriend cam home in time so that they didn't get any televisions or laptops. i assume the creeps were watching us and had learned our routine because ever sunday i go to my parents house for most of the day.

we left at about 9:10 in the morning, and my boyfriend came home just in time to see the robbers leave (it seems they recognized him and left). here's the thing. he didn't realize they were coming from our house right away because they used the abandoned house behind us to hide what they were doing. this is the second time our house has been robbed due to the convenience the abandoned house provides the thieves.

i have two small chihuahuas that are under the impression that people fear them. thank god they were not home when the house was invaded, that would be the worst. i could only imagine what the bottom-feeders that broke in would be capable of doing to yipping lap dogs. so i am very thankful for the absence of my "children" during the robbery. my cats were home, i cannot remember if they were inside the house at the time, but they are scaredy cats and therefore smart enough to hide when a stranger enters the house when we are not home.

i honestly wish they would have stolen the tv and other electronics INSTEAD of my jewelry. i do not buy jewelry for myself, so everything that was stolen was a gift to me from people i love. today i have to go to local pawn shops on my lunch and see if i recognize any of my stolen property. and if i do recognize anything, i have to pay out of pocket to regain it. one of my bracelets that was stolen. when i had no money to my name, i would entertain the idea of pawning it. but i didn't because it was a gift from someone i loved and it didn't seem right. now it is gone, most likely for good. same with the rings my parents gave me and my ex's mom had given me some nice jewelry.

but i just have to get over it right? hindsight in 20/20, and all i can do is replay everything in my head over and over again. i woke up numerous times last night hoping it was all a nightmare. but it wasn't. my bedroom window is still boarded up to cover the hole. keepsakes were taken. and my hands are tied.

there are sooo many  unsympathetic lowlifes in the world. it's frustrating. many people are against abortion. why? if someone does not want a child, please do not make them have one. it punishes society more than the parents. many people think if they are financially stable, they should procreate. no! the only people who should have children are the ones who will put in the time it takes to create a well rounded, considerate person. the only people who seem to be breeding are arrogant fucks who are just doing it because the believe it is their right and that they are supposed to. laws are making it so that the survival of the fittest doesn't work. they make stupid people wear seatbelts, they wont let depressed people commit suicide, old sick people aren't allowed to die when they want. it sucks, this world is over populated and it's filled mostly with idiots and depraved fuck ups.

i had a very dark view of society before my possessions were stolen, now it's worse. but i hope i will eventually get over it, i will not lose my holiday spirit. i will still be paranoid to leave my house, but hopefully things will get better because this year wasn't good, neither was last year. let's cheers to next year!

i've had an epiphany!

so, as i was doing one of my mindless daily rituals, i realized something; i cannot go on randomly babbling  in my blog. i must add research to my babble. it will make a better world for us all!

don't douse me with accolades immediately, i still have to get my lazy ass to doing research. what i'm saying is, it may not happen. i may continue to sit in front of my laptop every night and wing it. but at least now i have a goal to actually plan and think out what i will write about. maybe i'll even illustrate a few things specifically on topic.

ah goals, they make a person feel good don't they? then you do not achieve said goal and you feel like a giant, steaming pile of shit that is worthless and should be buried.

i bid you adieu!

i got no taste but i still got crunch.

the old woman in this comic is saying "check out the fuselage on that one" as she elbows her near comatose friend.
i have a very high sex drive. i wonder if when i am an old woman i will lose my desire all the way, or just a little bit. when i was a young child i constantly had crushes on famous people and people i knew. the only reason i went to school was to see my crushes. in elementary i had a few guys i liked in my class and once i hit jr high i had at least one in each class, plus crushes in my friends classes, lunch time crushes. thank god i walked to school and didn't ride a bus.

even today at the grocery store i happened to see a guy i had a crush on in high school. we didn't know each other back then (11 yrs ago). but i would say about 4 years ago i started hanging out with him sporadically due to mutual friends. well, he is married with children and therefore off limits (plus his wife is gorgeous and nice) but one party we finally got to talking and out of no where he just kissed me on the cheek. i know what you're thinking: "big deal a kiss on the cheek". but it wasn't just any kiss on the cheek, it was a drunken one! lol, i don't care what you think, that kiss made my day. i think we have this unspoken lust for each other that if it was ever set free we would be getting freaky! haha, i am serious, you shoulda seen his face when he recognized me today.

 okay, maybe he didn't care about seeing me, but can't i pretend? i must say, the last person i thought secretly longed for me as i did him; we got dirty freaky.

so i hope my lust surpasses my growing old, and if it doesn't, kill me now.

so i painted a new picture.

so i painted a new picture. do you like it ^ ? i am still on the fence, i am thinking i should have held off on the red under the eyes, or maybe did the red differently. but that is the beauty of oil paints; if you add a bold color, you are kind of stuck with it.

tomorrow i go to my primary care doctor for a physical. yay! i have no idea what to expect; i assume i have some type of terrible condition, Web MD told me so. i just want to lay all my symptoms out on the table. it will have to be an extremely large table with reinforced legs. i hope they don't dismiss my numerous symptoms as just another hypochondriac. i would really appreciate a genuine concern from the doctor so that they may take me seriously and test me accordingly. we shall see. if all my symptoms are all in my head or brought on by stress, i would be extremely relieved. let us cross our fingers.

so i know i have previously mentioned my dangerous diet pills. i hope the doctor doesn't come to the conclusion that i should stop taking them. if so i guess i gotta sell em on a street corner because i already paid for a bunch so i am at least gonna go collect them. maybe i'll loiter outside a krispy creme. when a fat ass walks out looking guilty i can offer them a solution to their problem. most fat people don't seem to care. i am obviously a fat ass that feels guilty; hence the diet pills.

i used to like pills a lot, just due to the different affects they had on me. but that all stopped when i took too many tramadol one day and thought i had really fucked up. but luckily i made it through the night (a very long night of worrying, showering and also trying to barf). two weeks later a friend of mine took the pills and overdosed(had a seizure). so that changed my relationship with pills. before, i would pop em like it was nothing. all i thought about was how to get some good pills. now, i try to avoid them and if i have to take them i follow the instructions. but guess what? i started drinking again(surprise, surprise) and i am not supposed to drink with these diet pills. so i have to make a decision; get skinny or continue to drink. odds are i will continue to drink and take diet pills. will i ever learn?

probably not. i will most likely learn my lesson once it's too late. as most do.

the big "so what"

recently, a former classmate committed suicide. now, i wasn't close to her in anyway, i knew of her and always thought of her as a very friendly, extremely nice person.

facebook has changed things. instead of hearing about the misfortunes of a classmate, feeling bad for them and then moving on since you didn't know them all that well, now you get to hear the thoughts and  regret from their actual loved ones. it makes things harder since people aren't as anonymous as they used to be.

suicide. man, what a scary aspect. i cannot begin to comprehend what a dark scary place one must be in to take their own life. i have no religion. i hope that we reincarnate. but really, i assume life is just over. you cease to exist physically and spiritually.

for some reason hell seems cool to me. like "the place to be". all the fun/interesting people will be in hell. meanwhile heaven is full of stuffy self righteous haters. i have never experienced a ghost or any other supernatural being. are ghost victims of purgatory? i am not sure. but i would be more open to an alien abduction story than some ghost story or a sphere in a photograph.

when i get scared of death or the big "so what" i tend to lean more towards the popular faiths of christianity/catholocism......they are not soothing.

no one knows what happens when we die, how desperate is it to say to yourself  "fuck it, it has to be better than this"

we don't all get a fair shake

some people are lucky. plain and simple. they are raised in a lovely home that they do not have to be embarrassed of. offered various classes to create a well rounded personality. given the financial support to go to college. i don't want to be a hater, i wish i were that lucky. i've just met various people who believe that everyone has a fair chance due to things like scholarships, financial aid and other programs that cater to the less fortunate.

the above comic came from an actual family i would often see in my local market. first off i live in small uncultured town so the young pudgy girl has that going against her. the second and most detrimental is her parents. the mother is obese, the dad looks like a skinny meth head and they are both riding "rascal" scooters around town.

i suppose the mother rides one because she is obese, and maybe the father has a serious problem. i am just assuming that it is laziness that drives them to use the rascals (no pun intended). what they buy at the store is cigarettes, soda and chips. the girl, is always wearing a dirt scuffed sweatshirt with matching pants and a bike helmet, presumably to avoid injury whilst riding on her parents lap around town. so my theory is that this young child has no chance at all. her parents do not promote hygiene, a healthy diet or exercise. so i find it hard to fathom that they might encourage scholastic attainments. i have a good hunch that the television is on constantly and lord only knows what type of  mindless dribble they choose to watch.

now, i may be mistaken. they might be a family of culture and refinement when behind closed doors; but i doubt it. i do not wish to point out all of these peoples possible flaws just because i want to ride my high horse. i just feel so bad for the girl because it seems she is going to have such an uphill battle towards success. and who knows, she may be so far from hope that she will never care and just be another dumb happy slob.

but aren't there too many dumb happy slobs in the united states already?

i can't believe dr. conrad murray killed that poor white woman.

so today dr. conrad murray was found guilty of killing michael jackson. everyone is happy that he was found guilty but i am not. if i ever turn rich i do not want doctors to be afraid of keeping me loaded. if i desire to have so many drugs in me that i am incapacitated, i should have that right. i mean really, if someone wants to escape the drudgery of everyday life that bad; maybe we are better off without them. mother nature would appreciate a carbon footprint stopped short. too bad mj was almost completely man made materials....i assume his body causes the same environmental problems as a 24 pack of bottled water.

it is frustrating to me that no one is held responsible for their own actions. there is this thing called survival of the fittest. it's a handy function of darwinism. in order for a race to evolve , the weak and stupid must die off. but of course the human race will not let that happen. not at all! instead we must provide rules for the stupid and weak so that they do not self destruct; so they can breed more fragile idiots. you have to wear your seat belts, don't overdose on drugs, no euthanasia, pro life; the list goes on.

i am currently taking doctor prescribed diet pills. i know the pills are bad for me. i know the doctor is shady. i am willing to accept the consequences. so should the doctor get in trouble? i looked far and wide for a doctor who would prescribe me pills a  "good" doctor wouldn't. so i believe michael jackson searched for a doctor that would keep him in propofol. actually i just read a bit of an article and it said he was turned down by others in the medical field.

so dr. conrad murray is a creep. so was michael jackson. everyone is making jackson out to be some kind of musical hero, and his death is a great loss. i admit, jackson had a good long streak; but that ended in the early nineties. i wasn't aware of what was "behind the curtain" at neverland ranch, but just from the look of michael, the alleged molestation and the fact that he was drugged most of the time, he seemed highly unstable and terribly unfit to raise children. so the kids may have gotten lucky on this one.

bugs and germs are scary

i am watching the val kilmer thriller "the thaw". i am approximately half way through the film and it is not especially good; but i am still frightened. contagious disease freak me the fuck out. nasty bugs freak me out. this movie combines two major fears of mine. outbreak, cabing fever, old school zombie movies; the fact that some gross persons germs can kill me or make me deteriorate is scarrrry. 


most humans do not cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough. the majority do not wash their hands. eww. is it that time consuming to wash your hands? too laborious an ordeal to lift your hand or arm to your mouth to prevent germs from spreading when coughing? i would be repulsed if one day an ugly person coughed near me on the bus and a day later i am diagnosed with some sort of plague; if a good looking person gave me the plague i would be less repulsed. face it people, we are judged by looks.

bugs scare me and i think they are nasty. spiders are okay, i think they look cool and i also believe it is bad luck to kill them, but i will if necessary. for instance, a black widow or brown recluse (i am mexican and when i grow up i would like to be a hermit, so technically i would be a brown recluse). this past halloween weekend i saw a black widow that i didn't kill because i assumed it was bad luck to kill one so close to halloween. i was going to terminate him after the holiday but the bastard, pardon me, i mean bitch, is missing. so naturally i feared for the safety of my two chihuahuas and one of my cats. turns out i should have been worried all along. i have since seen two more giant black widows, one i killed, the other hid too swiftly for my reflexes. well, now that i know my house, yard and garage are stupid with these deadly creatures, my weekend goal is to be the "exterminator" (said like arnold) and rid my territory of them. below is the rascally fella that i regretfully let live.

it is winter right now. i just got over the summer of waterbugs. in the southern california desert areas, warm summer nights bring about many waterbugs. they like to cool themselves on the concrete, in the grass. i don't know if they hibernate during the winter, i am just thankful that they are MIA. i refuse to post a picture of a waterbug. it's a chinese cockroach. look it up if you want to barf. also i detest silverfish and crickets.

cockroaches are the scariest of them all, their almondy tone and long antennas. that's all i care to drag up in my memory, it's almost bedtime and i have freaked myself out good enough; i feel things crawling on my legs and am sure to have night terrors.

surreal life

i had a dui when i was around 27 years old. since that time, i do not drink and drive. but i am usually drunk, or at least buzzed. the few days i have been on a sober kick, i just stayed home and tried not to go crazy. today, since i was sober, i had to pick my dude up from his lunch at 1830 and it was already dark. i must admit it was weird getting into a car by myself in the dark and driving somewhere. usually by dark i have already started drinking so either someone is driving me or i walk. i wonder if i am going to like this new found freedom.

i am sure it sounds absurd, and actually i used to consider myself a very independent woman. oh what i would give to live in an area that has great public transportation. i live in a low brow desert, the majority here only care about junk food and television. not that i turn up my nose to those items completely, but i do consider myself a tad more cultured.

when i moved back to this town it was after a major break up. my goal was to stay in my hometown for a while, save up some money and then move to a bustling city. i did the exact opposite. i partied my brains out, got a dui and fell into a hole that i am barely out of, but since my dude doesn't make that much money right now, it is hard to save up to leave this desolate hell hole. at least my family is here. they are the silver lining to the crap cloud i deal with daily.

also, this is day three of me not drinking and i have pain everywhere. and as from what i remember, it started monday. i have a physical in about two weeks. hope i don't die before then.

one month; no alcohol

today is the first day of november. it is my second day of a month goal to not imbibe any alcohol. so far, i am not impressed with the life of a sober person. sure, it was bearable. many things are. waiting at the dmv for instance. 

i've had this goal many times. the longest i go is about two weeks. i like excuses to drink. any reason will do. 

“That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.” 
― Charles Bukowski

i wanted to think of many humorous reasons to avoid sobriety but i couldn't. i hope the quote will suffice. i honestly feel less inspired since i am not drinking. not that i believe i need alcohol to spark my creativity. it's just that the world seems a bit more amazing when drunk. ugly people become more attractive. bores tend to develop a personality. and the funny people become hilarious. 

maybe it is just because after seven years of heavy drinking without too many breaks, i just need to adjust to the thought of 30 days without alcohol (thank god i didn't pick a month with 31 days). i heard that the first three days of quitting something is the hardest. two weeks ago i was on antibiotics for five days. i managed to avoid alcohol for four whole days. so maybe for me personally, the first two weeks are the hardest, or the first month is the hardest. who knows, we shall soon find out. 

i drew a terrible comic today, i hope i can think of funnier ones during this stint. when i was younger i didn't drink at all and when i look back on the artwork i did, i am very impressed with myself. i wonder if after i get over the initial shock of it all, maybe my art will prosper.

i will now upload a drawing from my drunken days, to remember the old me:

i think he looks cool....

i value beer over babies

i don't want to be pregnant. whenever i see a pregnant woman, i feel bad for her for sooo many reasons. they can't drink, smoke, do drugs; they might do it anyways but they aren't supposed to. i can't even give up beer for a week because of the medication i am supposed to take. i would hate the emotional battle of not having beer because of a poor defenseless creature growing inside of me.
     recently, i have noticed a commercial asking women if they took any antidepressants while pregnant and if the baby ended up having a birth defect. it's mind numbing to me that someone with depression issues would even consider having a child. are the pills that good? i suppose so. i just think common sense would have someone realize if they cannot handle this thing called life without being medicated, bringing a child into this world is not fair....to the child, or society.
     every now and then i think babies are cute, i don't like too many kids, their personalities are too developed and it just reminds me of all the morons in the world, chuck palahniuk has a great quote that i shall add here: goddammit i can't find it. it was basically about millions of stupid people fucking and making more stupid people. i personally feel the wrong people are breeding. i know a common thing is to gripe about how you need a license to fish and drive, but not to have children, but it's so true. you would think it would be nice for someone to pass an exam or something, maybe pay a small fee. it's a slippery slope to let government start controlling that type of thing....even though they want to control whether people can terminate a pregnancy, marry who they want and also sell their body; i mean, the list goes on and on.
     my biggest fear of getting pregnant is since i am a hypochondriac, i feel i would constantly worry about a miscarriage or still birth. i worry about that when i know someone who is pregnant. and the worry involved with raising a child is so consuming i do not want to bother with it. i was taken aback the other day when i was watching a reality show and the pregnant woman said that she had no idea the worry involved in pregnancy or raising a child. good grief, most people probably assume it's a piece of cake and that's why so many people are having kids and fucking up the world, one little baby at a time.

a freak like me

so i am possible ending my second long term relationship today. i'm troubled. not because i want  marriage or a prince to gallop on a white horse into my dismal life. i just feel as if there is no one that is in my same realm. even friends.
     here's my profile: a blunt, neurotic, nympho, semi-ghetto, cultural, alcoholic free spirit. one of my closest cousins has a saying for us: We're to intellectual for the streets, and too street for the intellectuals
     the thing is, i have only had two serious relationships in my life. the first guy i totally connected with on an intellectual level, the second i connect with on a ghetto level. what i am looking for is a person who has a sexual appetite as ravenous as mine. a person who has interest in the arts, fine dining and learning new things. i wouldn't say i would want an alcoholic but i would like someone who likes the occasional drink and can handle their liquor. and if they want to drink as often as i do they should at least have cab money so that we may get home safely and without hurting others. i used to be a pothead, i will probably be one again at some point, i take a few years off here and there but i usually go back to it. but i don't want to be with a pothead or alcoholic, i just want someone who is willing to deal with all of my addictions because they like to dabble themselves.
     i love to party, but partying hasn't meshed well with the two relationships. the first guy, went to parties but he didn't actually party, and i always wanted to stay all night and have a blast. the dude i may be breaking up with now is the opposite, i dread partying with him because i hate how inebriated he gets and that their may be a fight. now, when i refer to myself as ghetto; i used to fight a lot. occasionally i get the urge but it has taken me a long time to try subdue the violent part of my personality. my parents promoted violence all through my childhood and once i took a step back and thought for myself i realize how ridiculous and unnecessary it is to resort to violence.
     the recent guy also has an extremely large family and i am going broke celebrating all of their milestones(we are already broke but since we live about a 1 1/2 hour drive away it costs money just to show our faces) . my last dude only had immediate family, and then an aunt and uncle with two children, that was it. i loved it.
     so here is the score: my two serious relationships have been total opposites. i cannot seem to find someone who has a good mix that would suit me, and i would suit them. woe is me. maybe i am more like Ignatius J. Reilly than i care to admit. he is the lead character of  A Confederacy of Dunces which is one of my favorite books, if not the favorite. i relate to Ignatius so much, maybe, like he, i am just supposed to be alone, and when i finally find someone it wont even be about the sex. who knows.
    

one of many reasons why i LOVE dogs

i made this primitive comic today because their actually is a daddy long legs living in my shower that is always terrified when i go in there. my goal is to move him to a safe place so he can have a peaceful existence...i just never remember him until my shower has already commenced. and i always feel so bad for the fella.
     this morning i was thinking about telling facebook of the poor daddy long legs struggles and whilst i thought of how to word it, i came the conclusion that the spider may have just repulsed by my disgusting body. so i thought it was funny and decided to draw it out.
     but really, insects, arachnids, reptiles and the rest do not care about a humans facial features or physiques. to them we are all scary bastards. unless they are your dog. the man's best friend saying is no joke. if you love your dog they will love you so unconditional, it doesn't matter how stinky, lazy, fat, ugly or pimply their owner is.
     i have seen some dogs with the most grotesque people in the world and that dog is just kissing and cuddling with them. i usually feel bad for the dog, that they don't realize how putrid their best friend is. but really they are lucky, ignorance is bliss and as long as the person cares for the dog and loves it back, why do looks matter? if people weren't such assholes a lot more would actually find true love, they just worry too much about what other people will think. so to them it is better to have your stupid standards and be alone, then to just love someone who loves you back.
     99% of people live and die anonymously, which is a great thing if you think about it; coz then all your mistakes aren't broadcasted to the "world", you do them and learn from them and usually the only people who know about it are the ones who care about you...or the ones who are doing the same stupid shit. so if you are reading the tabloids and seeing the fabulous life of the rich and famous and thinking that you're life should measure up; snap out of it. just be happy with the people who are happy to be with you even when you are broke, lazy, ugly, fat, whatever it is holding you back. coz when i look at those dogs with the disgusting owners....they look like the happiest creatures on earth.

look at the purdy clouds...

this is a pretty picture i snapped outside of my life sucking office. the picture was taken with my phone so although it looks purdy damn cool if i do say so myself, it really doesn't do nature justice.
     nature is such a beautiful amazing thing, i cannot believe that man's first urge is to rape it and ruin it's beauty for future generations. under the clouds in the picture above are some very nice mountains but i chose to leave them out of the frame because they are surrounded by power lines. i am obviously using power to write this blog, more power than i need actually coz my office mate LOVES to waste energy; she has the air conditioner on full blast then leaves the door open or covers up in a blanket. the weather today would be perfectly tolerable with a fan. but when i suggest that, she politely tries to live without the air on, then an hour complains of the heat and turns it back on. anyways i digress, this isn't a rant on my office mate, i just wanted to point out that sometimes conservation is out of your hands. and most people just don't give a shit about anything but themselves.
     the year is 2011, almost 2012. people still wear fur, they do not recycle, and they could give a shit about finding sources of renewable energy. how can a species with such strong brain power be so selfish and closed minded? i live in california for cripes sake, i cannot even imagine living in middle america. my california town is just as bad as middle america actually but open minded cities aren't too far a drive away so there is an escape possible when needed. my family personally has no emotion for animals. pets, yes. after many years some of them have developed a small sense of compassion for their pets.
     on a hike last week, my cousin and i walked our usual route that recently caught on fire. it barely missed the lone house that sits on the bottom of the hill. we commented on how scary that would be if that was your house; because the surrounding mountain was completely charred. but then i thought, fuck those people. so many poor animals lost their homes in that fire. there is always rabbits, sometimes cows, roadrunners, lizards, lots of squirrels running past us the whole time and a lot of them were displaced due to that fire.
     i recently read bill bryson's A Walk in the Woods which was a hilarious book but also very depressing because bryson talks about the history of the killing off of animals and trees and idiotic introduction of new species without study of their effects.
      i must stop this rant, it could go on for days. let me just end this saying humans suck.

look what you've done to her you bastard!!!

so the last time i transcribed my thoughts here, i was in a very bad state of mind. i will probably never be in a blissful state of mind; but i am turning over a new leaf and would like to escape my previous fate of being a "downer".
my relative that i was so worried about is better, she still has not had an actual sturdy diagnosis. she is closer to family now and we have hope that things will only get better; and if not, that at least she will be surrounded by loved ones.
now, personally, one of my biggest fears is that if i were to ever fall into a coma or die suddenly, that no one will take care of my appearance and people will either have memories or pictures of me looking horrid. i am hairy. therefore my face requires a very stringent hair removal routine. due to my alcoholism, i am always on the brink of looking like chubaka (with dark hair). so if i were to die suddenly, i will not be groomed properly....maybe my face will get bashed in and i will not have to worry about facial hair (crossing fingers). i am also presently overweight at the moment (yes, i am bombarded with marriage proposals daily lol) so i really hope i can cut the liquor and get to a normal weight before my demise.
the reason i am discussing my fears of coma or death is because my family member who is a very beautiful girl naturally and has a great smile also, still looks good after they shaved her head in the hospital to get the biopsy.....but i don't think it's right that family members are taking pictures of her with her shaved head and posting them all over facebook. at the very least they should wait until she is off her medication and more lucid so that they may get proper permission. the most ridiculous of these pictures is one that her sister posted, with said relative in front of a jesus statue, not so unlike this:

except his face was cheesier and his arms were lowered toward my relative. meanwhile, she is sitting in a wheelchair with a shaved head. she looks beautiful and happy, i just find it ridiculous to prop her in front of a picture of jesus when basically he hasn't done shit. sure, she's alive, but we still need answers for her condition. when i described the picture to my brother he said the caption should say "look what you've done to her you bastard" which i thought was fucking hilarious. and i thought it could say something like "(insert relatives name here)! watch your back!" obviously my brother is funnier than i, but keep in mind i wanted to be more pc.
my brother and i have made it very clear that if ever we have some terrible illness we do not want it posted on facebook asking for prayers and such. jokingly, i told my brother if someone tried to post some type of prayer thing or an update on his condition on facebook i will promptly delete it. and if it is a prayer, i will tell them: "listen here, god had his chance to do good by him and he didn't. so we don't need you to beg that megalomaniac for my brothers well being  now." that's just a joke though, i wouldn't post anything about my brother or god if such a tragedy were to happen.

welp, guess i said all i care to about that subject for now. smooches!

i'm scurred

i honestly never plan to have children. if i do conceive...fine. but i doubt that i am capable and also i try to be very stringent on my birth control.
 maybe the fact that i never expect to have children, gives me a matronly care for people that are younger than me or people that cannot stick up for myself.
 i have a family member....who certainly can and will stick up for them self when necessary...has recently became ill.
it scares the shit out of me.
i wish there was something i could do to help, but the only thing i can do is  become sick to my stomach worrying. i am a self proclaimed hypochondriac. the only thing i can do is consider the worst scenario and assume it is the fate of my loved one. i just hate to think that someone who has taken less risks than i have could possibly have an earlier demise than i.
i am obviously not religious....at least to those who know me. i must have some faith tho, why else would i contemplate why bad things happen to good people?
it pains me to think that someone so vibrant and lively could suddenly lose their wits.

i truly hope it is only a temporary state of mind and that my hilarious friend returns to her old self.

a bitch? moi?

i cannot stop being a bitch. every night before bed i promise myself that i will be a nicer, more understanding person. when i wake up, i think of every single thing that pisses me off about people and the world. maybe if my daily routine wasn't so monotonous....and when there is some variety it's usually angry people yelling at me and questioning my morals. i know i need to find a new job but here's the thing.....every single job i have i end up being really mean to my coworkers. and that is usually when it is time for me to move on. i get tired of seeing the same people everyday and dealing with all their idiosyncrasies. i would just like to enter work and be left alone for at least thirty minutes. thirty minutes is enough time for me to get over my rage and be able to deal with people......wait a minute....meditation in the morning could be key. i just don't think i could wake up early enough to meditate before work. also, i do not know how to meditate. i guess now is as good a time as any to study the art of meditation. and really i hate being a bitch to people who are just excited to see me. only the lord knows why people like me as much as they do.

family

oh family. it's wonderful to have family right? they are there to comfort you when you are feeling low, loan you money when you need it, blah, blah, blah. but since i was younger i have always wanted the least amount of family possible. family makes you feel bad....and this is coming from a person who has a truly understanding and supportive family. they root me on no matter what. they have accepted my flaws and peculiaralities. but the worst thing about them is how much they love me. their love for me makes me rethink my whole "live fast die young" mentality. i have always yearned for a life of freedom...freedom from worrying about hurting my loved ones due to my debaucherous activities. liver disease, HIV, poverty....if i am doomed to experience those things i want to do it in solitude...not with my family suffering my fate also.
so what is the answer? cutting family out of my life? of course not. that would hurt them just as bad. it sucks and i feel screwed.

liver disease

so i am under the weather today and my hypochondria is at an all time high lately. also is my anxiety. my internal organs have been hurting, yet i have consumed an unholy amount of alcohol in the last two weeks. so i am very worried that it is not just my hypochondria acting up. while in total fear of death and the unknown here is what i painted:

i am not sure how i feel about this painting, but i must express how therapeutic art is. in the hour or so i spent working on mr green hair, i was relaxed, and my worries subsided. and now i am back to being a complete neurotic mess :)

this is supposed to be the happiest day of my life!!

ah, every time i hear someone exclaim about what is supposed to be the happiest day of their life, they are talking about their wedding. hmmm, what a sad, sad life if your wedding day is the happiest day. i do not say that maliciously, i just do not understand out of at least 18 years of life (supposing said person got married as young as possible) the happiest of all days is when you legally bind yourself to someone.
my idea of the happiest day of my life is an all day orgy/drugfest that someone (who is not me) pays for.
i take various risks daily. i once met someone online and let them take me to an empty warehouse. i have mixed plenty of drugs that one really shouldn't mix. i've woken up next to many mistakes in mysterious places. i confront men and women that could do some major bodily harm to me. and right now, event tho my kidneys/liver have been hurting for about two weeks straight, i just ordered another 3 pack of tall cans.
the reason i am describing my precarious livelihood is because i enjoy living on the edge but the last thing in the world i would EVER want to do is tie my life to someone else.
so to those that do (and they are doing it in droves) i tip my hat to you! you are far more crazy than i am.

animals

I am sooo stressed out about animals. this morning at three a.m. i awoke and could not stop thinking about a "faces of death" video i saw when i was in jr high that showed poor rabbits being torn apart while they were still alive.

i just finished reading chuck palahniuk's "lullaby", which was a very good book but makes you think of the animal cruelty in the food industry; a specific quote:
"in my refrigerator, the milk's gone sour. all that pain and suffering wasted. the cheese is huge and blue with mold. a package of hamburger has gone gray inside its plastic wrap. the eggs look okay, but they're not, they can't be, not after this long. all the effort and misery that went into this food, and it's all going in the garbage. the contributions of all those miserable cows and veals, it gets thrown out."
-lullaby(chuck palahniuk)

luckily i read this quote after i recently gave up meat. want to know why i recently gave up meat? i had went on a walk with my cousin and saw a herd of cows (with a few calf's) and they were all staring at me...and i swear that with their eyes they were asking me "why do you contribute to our pain and suffering?" 


the cows with their sorrowful eyes and chuck palahnuik's eye opening words forced me to give up meat for the third time....yes, the third time. i obviously have no will power but i really hope i can maintain my vegetarianism this time. my longest stint was over a year, and the second time was barely a month. to top it all off i still consume egg, seafood and dairy. if i buy eggs i try to purchase "cage free"...if that even matters. and for some reason i don't feel bad for seafood...i know that is wrong, i mean, who am i to judge which animals deserve to live. all i know is i have to start small, and slowly work my way towards vegan. hopefully by the time i get to that point i can afford a private vegan chef or i can get enough education and money to prepare my own vegan meals.

today on my walk, my cousin and i were followed by a darling stray dog. the small backwards town that i reside in (and grew up in ) has no concern for animals. it is so frustrating. there are so many strays and tons of people leave their gates open and let their animals run amuck...meanwhile cars are zooming by.

it's infuriating to say the least. i wish people would adopt animals....when they are ready for a real commitment. and also society needs to stop supporting dog breeders.

i can go on and on about all the jerkwad things that humans do to animals but i have to throw up now and sob in my bedroom about all the suffering creatures in the world...i cannot....i will not focus on this subject anymore tonight. i hate to be an ostrich with my head in the sand but there is only so much animal cruelty i can acknowledge without taking a hatchet and ridding the world of assholes that feel they are entitled to treat animals like shit. i am not religious but i wish there was a hell and all the pricks that do not consider animals feelings have to go there....or better yet...reincarnatin would be good coz then they can come back as animals. that would be perfect....just for my peace of mind. whenever i see a suffering animal, to ease my heart, i will assume the animal is a reincarnated human that was cruel to animals in their past life.

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delirium tremens

delirium tremens

   [tree-muhnz, -menz]  Show IPA

noun Pathology .

a withdrawal syndrome occurring in persons who have developedphysiological dependence on alcohol, characterized by tremor,visual hallucinations, and autonomic instability. Abbreviation:  d.t.

when people asked me if i had d.t.'s i figured it had something to do with shaking from alcohol withdrawal, but nothing as scary as autonomic instability and hallucinations. for some reason i always assumed that detoxing from alcohol wouldn't be a big deal.  


anywho, i woke up with a hangover this morning and thought that i would look up hangovers in a thesaurus. and this was the result:

Main Entry:	hangover
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	result of heavy drinking
Synonyms:	DTs, aftereffect, big head, delirium tremens,drunkenness, headache, morning after, shakes,under the weather, willies,  withdrawal
Antonyms:	sobriety i love that the antonym is sobriety, it seems so obvious now  but for some reason when i pray to the lord above and ask  her to never let me have a hangover again, sobriety never  pops into my head as a solution. incidentally, i have a hangover helper for those that aren't  afraid to try a weird junk food combination; pickles and  hot cheetos with a 7up/alkaseltzer chaser. here's what you do: take a bite of pickle (not kosher) and  then throw a hot cheeto in your mouth and eat it together.  you will be surprised by how much they compliment each  other. i follow up the cheeto/pickle meal with a large 7up  with ice and an alkaseltzer dissolved inside.  your hangover will not be cured....but you feel soooo  much better. the actually cure for a hangover is beer....lots  and lots of beer.  and now i shall post the hangover inspired painting i did today: i thought of a kewpie doll with pubic hair and bags under his eyes....coz no matter how cute you once...were the bags  and hair appear.

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And so it goes.....

good morning everybody! it is 1438 on the west coast. i do not like using capitalization....i hope y'all don't mind. this pervoid blog has no specific theme. it is just a young women expressing her views and expressing her frustration with society. i am a self proclaimed misanthrope that would abolish many nations if given the chance. just kidding, i would abolish certain individuals that fit particular demographics. i am new at spewing my thoughts regularly so please have patience as i find my blog niche. now i must devour a lemon half, thank you and goodnight.