i value beer over babies

i don't want to be pregnant. whenever i see a pregnant woman, i feel bad for her for sooo many reasons. they can't drink, smoke, do drugs; they might do it anyways but they aren't supposed to. i can't even give up beer for a week because of the medication i am supposed to take. i would hate the emotional battle of not having beer because of a poor defenseless creature growing inside of me.
     recently, i have noticed a commercial asking women if they took any antidepressants while pregnant and if the baby ended up having a birth defect. it's mind numbing to me that someone with depression issues would even consider having a child. are the pills that good? i suppose so. i just think common sense would have someone realize if they cannot handle this thing called life without being medicated, bringing a child into this world is not fair....to the child, or society.
     every now and then i think babies are cute, i don't like too many kids, their personalities are too developed and it just reminds me of all the morons in the world, chuck palahniuk has a great quote that i shall add here: goddammit i can't find it. it was basically about millions of stupid people fucking and making more stupid people. i personally feel the wrong people are breeding. i know a common thing is to gripe about how you need a license to fish and drive, but not to have children, but it's so true. you would think it would be nice for someone to pass an exam or something, maybe pay a small fee. it's a slippery slope to let government start controlling that type of thing....even though they want to control whether people can terminate a pregnancy, marry who they want and also sell their body; i mean, the list goes on and on.
     my biggest fear of getting pregnant is since i am a hypochondriac, i feel i would constantly worry about a miscarriage or still birth. i worry about that when i know someone who is pregnant. and the worry involved with raising a child is so consuming i do not want to bother with it. i was taken aback the other day when i was watching a reality show and the pregnant woman said that she had no idea the worry involved in pregnancy or raising a child. good grief, most people probably assume it's a piece of cake and that's why so many people are having kids and fucking up the world, one little baby at a time.

a freak like me

so i am possible ending my second long term relationship today. i'm troubled. not because i want  marriage or a prince to gallop on a white horse into my dismal life. i just feel as if there is no one that is in my same realm. even friends.
     here's my profile: a blunt, neurotic, nympho, semi-ghetto, cultural, alcoholic free spirit. one of my closest cousins has a saying for us: We're to intellectual for the streets, and too street for the intellectuals
     the thing is, i have only had two serious relationships in my life. the first guy i totally connected with on an intellectual level, the second i connect with on a ghetto level. what i am looking for is a person who has a sexual appetite as ravenous as mine. a person who has interest in the arts, fine dining and learning new things. i wouldn't say i would want an alcoholic but i would like someone who likes the occasional drink and can handle their liquor. and if they want to drink as often as i do they should at least have cab money so that we may get home safely and without hurting others. i used to be a pothead, i will probably be one again at some point, i take a few years off here and there but i usually go back to it. but i don't want to be with a pothead or alcoholic, i just want someone who is willing to deal with all of my addictions because they like to dabble themselves.
     i love to party, but partying hasn't meshed well with the two relationships. the first guy, went to parties but he didn't actually party, and i always wanted to stay all night and have a blast. the dude i may be breaking up with now is the opposite, i dread partying with him because i hate how inebriated he gets and that their may be a fight. now, when i refer to myself as ghetto; i used to fight a lot. occasionally i get the urge but it has taken me a long time to try subdue the violent part of my personality. my parents promoted violence all through my childhood and once i took a step back and thought for myself i realize how ridiculous and unnecessary it is to resort to violence.
     the recent guy also has an extremely large family and i am going broke celebrating all of their milestones(we are already broke but since we live about a 1 1/2 hour drive away it costs money just to show our faces) . my last dude only had immediate family, and then an aunt and uncle with two children, that was it. i loved it.
     so here is the score: my two serious relationships have been total opposites. i cannot seem to find someone who has a good mix that would suit me, and i would suit them. woe is me. maybe i am more like Ignatius J. Reilly than i care to admit. he is the lead character of  A Confederacy of Dunces which is one of my favorite books, if not the favorite. i relate to Ignatius so much, maybe, like he, i am just supposed to be alone, and when i finally find someone it wont even be about the sex. who knows.
    

one of many reasons why i LOVE dogs

i made this primitive comic today because their actually is a daddy long legs living in my shower that is always terrified when i go in there. my goal is to move him to a safe place so he can have a peaceful existence...i just never remember him until my shower has already commenced. and i always feel so bad for the fella.
     this morning i was thinking about telling facebook of the poor daddy long legs struggles and whilst i thought of how to word it, i came the conclusion that the spider may have just repulsed by my disgusting body. so i thought it was funny and decided to draw it out.
     but really, insects, arachnids, reptiles and the rest do not care about a humans facial features or physiques. to them we are all scary bastards. unless they are your dog. the man's best friend saying is no joke. if you love your dog they will love you so unconditional, it doesn't matter how stinky, lazy, fat, ugly or pimply their owner is.
     i have seen some dogs with the most grotesque people in the world and that dog is just kissing and cuddling with them. i usually feel bad for the dog, that they don't realize how putrid their best friend is. but really they are lucky, ignorance is bliss and as long as the person cares for the dog and loves it back, why do looks matter? if people weren't such assholes a lot more would actually find true love, they just worry too much about what other people will think. so to them it is better to have your stupid standards and be alone, then to just love someone who loves you back.
     99% of people live and die anonymously, which is a great thing if you think about it; coz then all your mistakes aren't broadcasted to the "world", you do them and learn from them and usually the only people who know about it are the ones who care about you...or the ones who are doing the same stupid shit. so if you are reading the tabloids and seeing the fabulous life of the rich and famous and thinking that you're life should measure up; snap out of it. just be happy with the people who are happy to be with you even when you are broke, lazy, ugly, fat, whatever it is holding you back. coz when i look at those dogs with the disgusting owners....they look like the happiest creatures on earth.

look at the purdy clouds...

this is a pretty picture i snapped outside of my life sucking office. the picture was taken with my phone so although it looks purdy damn cool if i do say so myself, it really doesn't do nature justice.
     nature is such a beautiful amazing thing, i cannot believe that man's first urge is to rape it and ruin it's beauty for future generations. under the clouds in the picture above are some very nice mountains but i chose to leave them out of the frame because they are surrounded by power lines. i am obviously using power to write this blog, more power than i need actually coz my office mate LOVES to waste energy; she has the air conditioner on full blast then leaves the door open or covers up in a blanket. the weather today would be perfectly tolerable with a fan. but when i suggest that, she politely tries to live without the air on, then an hour complains of the heat and turns it back on. anyways i digress, this isn't a rant on my office mate, i just wanted to point out that sometimes conservation is out of your hands. and most people just don't give a shit about anything but themselves.
     the year is 2011, almost 2012. people still wear fur, they do not recycle, and they could give a shit about finding sources of renewable energy. how can a species with such strong brain power be so selfish and closed minded? i live in california for cripes sake, i cannot even imagine living in middle america. my california town is just as bad as middle america actually but open minded cities aren't too far a drive away so there is an escape possible when needed. my family personally has no emotion for animals. pets, yes. after many years some of them have developed a small sense of compassion for their pets.
     on a hike last week, my cousin and i walked our usual route that recently caught on fire. it barely missed the lone house that sits on the bottom of the hill. we commented on how scary that would be if that was your house; because the surrounding mountain was completely charred. but then i thought, fuck those people. so many poor animals lost their homes in that fire. there is always rabbits, sometimes cows, roadrunners, lizards, lots of squirrels running past us the whole time and a lot of them were displaced due to that fire.
     i recently read bill bryson's A Walk in the Woods which was a hilarious book but also very depressing because bryson talks about the history of the killing off of animals and trees and idiotic introduction of new species without study of their effects.
      i must stop this rant, it could go on for days. let me just end this saying humans suck.

look what you've done to her you bastard!!!

so the last time i transcribed my thoughts here, i was in a very bad state of mind. i will probably never be in a blissful state of mind; but i am turning over a new leaf and would like to escape my previous fate of being a "downer".
my relative that i was so worried about is better, she still has not had an actual sturdy diagnosis. she is closer to family now and we have hope that things will only get better; and if not, that at least she will be surrounded by loved ones.
now, personally, one of my biggest fears is that if i were to ever fall into a coma or die suddenly, that no one will take care of my appearance and people will either have memories or pictures of me looking horrid. i am hairy. therefore my face requires a very stringent hair removal routine. due to my alcoholism, i am always on the brink of looking like chubaka (with dark hair). so if i were to die suddenly, i will not be groomed properly....maybe my face will get bashed in and i will not have to worry about facial hair (crossing fingers). i am also presently overweight at the moment (yes, i am bombarded with marriage proposals daily lol) so i really hope i can cut the liquor and get to a normal weight before my demise.
the reason i am discussing my fears of coma or death is because my family member who is a very beautiful girl naturally and has a great smile also, still looks good after they shaved her head in the hospital to get the biopsy.....but i don't think it's right that family members are taking pictures of her with her shaved head and posting them all over facebook. at the very least they should wait until she is off her medication and more lucid so that they may get proper permission. the most ridiculous of these pictures is one that her sister posted, with said relative in front of a jesus statue, not so unlike this:

except his face was cheesier and his arms were lowered toward my relative. meanwhile, she is sitting in a wheelchair with a shaved head. she looks beautiful and happy, i just find it ridiculous to prop her in front of a picture of jesus when basically he hasn't done shit. sure, she's alive, but we still need answers for her condition. when i described the picture to my brother he said the caption should say "look what you've done to her you bastard" which i thought was fucking hilarious. and i thought it could say something like "(insert relatives name here)! watch your back!" obviously my brother is funnier than i, but keep in mind i wanted to be more pc.
my brother and i have made it very clear that if ever we have some terrible illness we do not want it posted on facebook asking for prayers and such. jokingly, i told my brother if someone tried to post some type of prayer thing or an update on his condition on facebook i will promptly delete it. and if it is a prayer, i will tell them: "listen here, god had his chance to do good by him and he didn't. so we don't need you to beg that megalomaniac for my brothers well being  now." that's just a joke though, i wouldn't post anything about my brother or god if such a tragedy were to happen.

welp, guess i said all i care to about that subject for now. smooches!

i'm scurred

i honestly never plan to have children. if i do conceive...fine. but i doubt that i am capable and also i try to be very stringent on my birth control.
 maybe the fact that i never expect to have children, gives me a matronly care for people that are younger than me or people that cannot stick up for myself.
 i have a family member....who certainly can and will stick up for them self when necessary...has recently became ill.
it scares the shit out of me.
i wish there was something i could do to help, but the only thing i can do is  become sick to my stomach worrying. i am a self proclaimed hypochondriac. the only thing i can do is consider the worst scenario and assume it is the fate of my loved one. i just hate to think that someone who has taken less risks than i have could possibly have an earlier demise than i.
i am obviously not religious....at least to those who know me. i must have some faith tho, why else would i contemplate why bad things happen to good people?
it pains me to think that someone so vibrant and lively could suddenly lose their wits.

i truly hope it is only a temporary state of mind and that my hilarious friend returns to her old self.

a bitch? moi?

i cannot stop being a bitch. every night before bed i promise myself that i will be a nicer, more understanding person. when i wake up, i think of every single thing that pisses me off about people and the world. maybe if my daily routine wasn't so monotonous....and when there is some variety it's usually angry people yelling at me and questioning my morals. i know i need to find a new job but here's the thing.....every single job i have i end up being really mean to my coworkers. and that is usually when it is time for me to move on. i get tired of seeing the same people everyday and dealing with all their idiosyncrasies. i would just like to enter work and be left alone for at least thirty minutes. thirty minutes is enough time for me to get over my rage and be able to deal with people......wait a minute....meditation in the morning could be key. i just don't think i could wake up early enough to meditate before work. also, i do not know how to meditate. i guess now is as good a time as any to study the art of meditation. and really i hate being a bitch to people who are just excited to see me. only the lord knows why people like me as much as they do.