i've had an epiphany!

so, as i was doing one of my mindless daily rituals, i realized something; i cannot go on randomly babbling  in my blog. i must add research to my babble. it will make a better world for us all!

don't douse me with accolades immediately, i still have to get my lazy ass to doing research. what i'm saying is, it may not happen. i may continue to sit in front of my laptop every night and wing it. but at least now i have a goal to actually plan and think out what i will write about. maybe i'll even illustrate a few things specifically on topic.

ah goals, they make a person feel good don't they? then you do not achieve said goal and you feel like a giant, steaming pile of shit that is worthless and should be buried.

i bid you adieu!

i got no taste but i still got crunch.

the old woman in this comic is saying "check out the fuselage on that one" as she elbows her near comatose friend.
i have a very high sex drive. i wonder if when i am an old woman i will lose my desire all the way, or just a little bit. when i was a young child i constantly had crushes on famous people and people i knew. the only reason i went to school was to see my crushes. in elementary i had a few guys i liked in my class and once i hit jr high i had at least one in each class, plus crushes in my friends classes, lunch time crushes. thank god i walked to school and didn't ride a bus.

even today at the grocery store i happened to see a guy i had a crush on in high school. we didn't know each other back then (11 yrs ago). but i would say about 4 years ago i started hanging out with him sporadically due to mutual friends. well, he is married with children and therefore off limits (plus his wife is gorgeous and nice) but one party we finally got to talking and out of no where he just kissed me on the cheek. i know what you're thinking: "big deal a kiss on the cheek". but it wasn't just any kiss on the cheek, it was a drunken one! lol, i don't care what you think, that kiss made my day. i think we have this unspoken lust for each other that if it was ever set free we would be getting freaky! haha, i am serious, you shoulda seen his face when he recognized me today.

 okay, maybe he didn't care about seeing me, but can't i pretend? i must say, the last person i thought secretly longed for me as i did him; we got dirty freaky.

so i hope my lust surpasses my growing old, and if it doesn't, kill me now.

so i painted a new picture.

so i painted a new picture. do you like it ^ ? i am still on the fence, i am thinking i should have held off on the red under the eyes, or maybe did the red differently. but that is the beauty of oil paints; if you add a bold color, you are kind of stuck with it.

tomorrow i go to my primary care doctor for a physical. yay! i have no idea what to expect; i assume i have some type of terrible condition, Web MD told me so. i just want to lay all my symptoms out on the table. it will have to be an extremely large table with reinforced legs. i hope they don't dismiss my numerous symptoms as just another hypochondriac. i would really appreciate a genuine concern from the doctor so that they may take me seriously and test me accordingly. we shall see. if all my symptoms are all in my head or brought on by stress, i would be extremely relieved. let us cross our fingers.

so i know i have previously mentioned my dangerous diet pills. i hope the doctor doesn't come to the conclusion that i should stop taking them. if so i guess i gotta sell em on a street corner because i already paid for a bunch so i am at least gonna go collect them. maybe i'll loiter outside a krispy creme. when a fat ass walks out looking guilty i can offer them a solution to their problem. most fat people don't seem to care. i am obviously a fat ass that feels guilty; hence the diet pills.

i used to like pills a lot, just due to the different affects they had on me. but that all stopped when i took too many tramadol one day and thought i had really fucked up. but luckily i made it through the night (a very long night of worrying, showering and also trying to barf). two weeks later a friend of mine took the pills and overdosed(had a seizure). so that changed my relationship with pills. before, i would pop em like it was nothing. all i thought about was how to get some good pills. now, i try to avoid them and if i have to take them i follow the instructions. but guess what? i started drinking again(surprise, surprise) and i am not supposed to drink with these diet pills. so i have to make a decision; get skinny or continue to drink. odds are i will continue to drink and take diet pills. will i ever learn?

probably not. i will most likely learn my lesson once it's too late. as most do.

the big "so what"

recently, a former classmate committed suicide. now, i wasn't close to her in anyway, i knew of her and always thought of her as a very friendly, extremely nice person.

facebook has changed things. instead of hearing about the misfortunes of a classmate, feeling bad for them and then moving on since you didn't know them all that well, now you get to hear the thoughts and  regret from their actual loved ones. it makes things harder since people aren't as anonymous as they used to be.

suicide. man, what a scary aspect. i cannot begin to comprehend what a dark scary place one must be in to take their own life. i have no religion. i hope that we reincarnate. but really, i assume life is just over. you cease to exist physically and spiritually.

for some reason hell seems cool to me. like "the place to be". all the fun/interesting people will be in hell. meanwhile heaven is full of stuffy self righteous haters. i have never experienced a ghost or any other supernatural being. are ghost victims of purgatory? i am not sure. but i would be more open to an alien abduction story than some ghost story or a sphere in a photograph.

when i get scared of death or the big "so what" i tend to lean more towards the popular faiths of christianity/catholocism......they are not soothing.

no one knows what happens when we die, how desperate is it to say to yourself  "fuck it, it has to be better than this"

we don't all get a fair shake

some people are lucky. plain and simple. they are raised in a lovely home that they do not have to be embarrassed of. offered various classes to create a well rounded personality. given the financial support to go to college. i don't want to be a hater, i wish i were that lucky. i've just met various people who believe that everyone has a fair chance due to things like scholarships, financial aid and other programs that cater to the less fortunate.

the above comic came from an actual family i would often see in my local market. first off i live in small uncultured town so the young pudgy girl has that going against her. the second and most detrimental is her parents. the mother is obese, the dad looks like a skinny meth head and they are both riding "rascal" scooters around town.

i suppose the mother rides one because she is obese, and maybe the father has a serious problem. i am just assuming that it is laziness that drives them to use the rascals (no pun intended). what they buy at the store is cigarettes, soda and chips. the girl, is always wearing a dirt scuffed sweatshirt with matching pants and a bike helmet, presumably to avoid injury whilst riding on her parents lap around town. so my theory is that this young child has no chance at all. her parents do not promote hygiene, a healthy diet or exercise. so i find it hard to fathom that they might encourage scholastic attainments. i have a good hunch that the television is on constantly and lord only knows what type of  mindless dribble they choose to watch.

now, i may be mistaken. they might be a family of culture and refinement when behind closed doors; but i doubt it. i do not wish to point out all of these peoples possible flaws just because i want to ride my high horse. i just feel so bad for the girl because it seems she is going to have such an uphill battle towards success. and who knows, she may be so far from hope that she will never care and just be another dumb happy slob.

but aren't there too many dumb happy slobs in the united states already?

i can't believe dr. conrad murray killed that poor white woman.

so today dr. conrad murray was found guilty of killing michael jackson. everyone is happy that he was found guilty but i am not. if i ever turn rich i do not want doctors to be afraid of keeping me loaded. if i desire to have so many drugs in me that i am incapacitated, i should have that right. i mean really, if someone wants to escape the drudgery of everyday life that bad; maybe we are better off without them. mother nature would appreciate a carbon footprint stopped short. too bad mj was almost completely man made materials....i assume his body causes the same environmental problems as a 24 pack of bottled water.

it is frustrating to me that no one is held responsible for their own actions. there is this thing called survival of the fittest. it's a handy function of darwinism. in order for a race to evolve , the weak and stupid must die off. but of course the human race will not let that happen. not at all! instead we must provide rules for the stupid and weak so that they do not self destruct; so they can breed more fragile idiots. you have to wear your seat belts, don't overdose on drugs, no euthanasia, pro life; the list goes on.

i am currently taking doctor prescribed diet pills. i know the pills are bad for me. i know the doctor is shady. i am willing to accept the consequences. so should the doctor get in trouble? i looked far and wide for a doctor who would prescribe me pills a  "good" doctor wouldn't. so i believe michael jackson searched for a doctor that would keep him in propofol. actually i just read a bit of an article and it said he was turned down by others in the medical field.

so dr. conrad murray is a creep. so was michael jackson. everyone is making jackson out to be some kind of musical hero, and his death is a great loss. i admit, jackson had a good long streak; but that ended in the early nineties. i wasn't aware of what was "behind the curtain" at neverland ranch, but just from the look of michael, the alleged molestation and the fact that he was drugged most of the time, he seemed highly unstable and terribly unfit to raise children. so the kids may have gotten lucky on this one.

bugs and germs are scary

i am watching the val kilmer thriller "the thaw". i am approximately half way through the film and it is not especially good; but i am still frightened. contagious disease freak me the fuck out. nasty bugs freak me out. this movie combines two major fears of mine. outbreak, cabing fever, old school zombie movies; the fact that some gross persons germs can kill me or make me deteriorate is scarrrry. 


most humans do not cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough. the majority do not wash their hands. eww. is it that time consuming to wash your hands? too laborious an ordeal to lift your hand or arm to your mouth to prevent germs from spreading when coughing? i would be repulsed if one day an ugly person coughed near me on the bus and a day later i am diagnosed with some sort of plague; if a good looking person gave me the plague i would be less repulsed. face it people, we are judged by looks.

bugs scare me and i think they are nasty. spiders are okay, i think they look cool and i also believe it is bad luck to kill them, but i will if necessary. for instance, a black widow or brown recluse (i am mexican and when i grow up i would like to be a hermit, so technically i would be a brown recluse). this past halloween weekend i saw a black widow that i didn't kill because i assumed it was bad luck to kill one so close to halloween. i was going to terminate him after the holiday but the bastard, pardon me, i mean bitch, is missing. so naturally i feared for the safety of my two chihuahuas and one of my cats. turns out i should have been worried all along. i have since seen two more giant black widows, one i killed, the other hid too swiftly for my reflexes. well, now that i know my house, yard and garage are stupid with these deadly creatures, my weekend goal is to be the "exterminator" (said like arnold) and rid my territory of them. below is the rascally fella that i regretfully let live.

it is winter right now. i just got over the summer of waterbugs. in the southern california desert areas, warm summer nights bring about many waterbugs. they like to cool themselves on the concrete, in the grass. i don't know if they hibernate during the winter, i am just thankful that they are MIA. i refuse to post a picture of a waterbug. it's a chinese cockroach. look it up if you want to barf. also i detest silverfish and crickets.

cockroaches are the scariest of them all, their almondy tone and long antennas. that's all i care to drag up in my memory, it's almost bedtime and i have freaked myself out good enough; i feel things crawling on my legs and am sure to have night terrors.

surreal life

i had a dui when i was around 27 years old. since that time, i do not drink and drive. but i am usually drunk, or at least buzzed. the few days i have been on a sober kick, i just stayed home and tried not to go crazy. today, since i was sober, i had to pick my dude up from his lunch at 1830 and it was already dark. i must admit it was weird getting into a car by myself in the dark and driving somewhere. usually by dark i have already started drinking so either someone is driving me or i walk. i wonder if i am going to like this new found freedom.

i am sure it sounds absurd, and actually i used to consider myself a very independent woman. oh what i would give to live in an area that has great public transportation. i live in a low brow desert, the majority here only care about junk food and television. not that i turn up my nose to those items completely, but i do consider myself a tad more cultured.

when i moved back to this town it was after a major break up. my goal was to stay in my hometown for a while, save up some money and then move to a bustling city. i did the exact opposite. i partied my brains out, got a dui and fell into a hole that i am barely out of, but since my dude doesn't make that much money right now, it is hard to save up to leave this desolate hell hole. at least my family is here. they are the silver lining to the crap cloud i deal with daily.

also, this is day three of me not drinking and i have pain everywhere. and as from what i remember, it started monday. i have a physical in about two weeks. hope i don't die before then.

one month; no alcohol

today is the first day of november. it is my second day of a month goal to not imbibe any alcohol. so far, i am not impressed with the life of a sober person. sure, it was bearable. many things are. waiting at the dmv for instance. 

i've had this goal many times. the longest i go is about two weeks. i like excuses to drink. any reason will do. 

“That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.” 
― Charles Bukowski

i wanted to think of many humorous reasons to avoid sobriety but i couldn't. i hope the quote will suffice. i honestly feel less inspired since i am not drinking. not that i believe i need alcohol to spark my creativity. it's just that the world seems a bit more amazing when drunk. ugly people become more attractive. bores tend to develop a personality. and the funny people become hilarious. 

maybe it is just because after seven years of heavy drinking without too many breaks, i just need to adjust to the thought of 30 days without alcohol (thank god i didn't pick a month with 31 days). i heard that the first three days of quitting something is the hardest. two weeks ago i was on antibiotics for five days. i managed to avoid alcohol for four whole days. so maybe for me personally, the first two weeks are the hardest, or the first month is the hardest. who knows, we shall soon find out. 

i drew a terrible comic today, i hope i can think of funnier ones during this stint. when i was younger i didn't drink at all and when i look back on the artwork i did, i am very impressed with myself. i wonder if after i get over the initial shock of it all, maybe my art will prosper.

i will now upload a drawing from my drunken days, to remember the old me:

i think he looks cool....