fat tuesday? more like fat everday.

http://catholicism.about.com/od/Catholic-Dictionary/g/Fat-Tuesday-Definition-Of-Fat-Tuesday.htm

i am definitely not religious, but technically speaking, i guess i am categorized as catholic, since i was baptized as such. i was thinking that it would be kind of a lark to give up my pesctarianism for lent. now, the reason it is supposed to be funny is because during lent, at least on friday's, the faithful give up meat. so i would be giving up, giving up meat! get it? oh well, i think it's funny.

i wanted to go to church on wednesday and do the whole bit with the ash cross on my forehead, to make it all the more blasphemous, but i don't know, it seems like a lot of work. there is a catholic church right down the street from my house (it's actually where i was baptized) but i believe it is a spanish speaking church. i guess it doesn't matter what language it is since i don't really care what the priest has to say anyway.

so today i guess i gotta live it up right? before lent. get crazy with the vegetables before i am forced to eat meat of poor defenseless animals. actually, i need to lose weight so i think it will be beneficial for me to eat grilled chicken for a month to start off my weight loss.

i'm kind of addicted to weight loss shows, not really the fattest loser (biggest loser) but all the other ones i can find. anyway, they always make the fatsos eat grilled chicken. it looks so good an i miss it so much.

another thing i must do to drop some lb's is, i must cut back drastically on my alcohol intake. now, that will be a very hard thing to accomplish. i am not gonna quite altogether mind you, but i have to add it into my daily calories, and unless i skip a meal, alcohol isn't really gonna fit into the game plan.

i suppose i am doomed to fail and be overweight forever. but a girl can dream can't she?

i couldn't do it

i am watching a cheesy movie on lifetime television called mini's first time.  now, basically, what it's about is a high school starts prostituting and her first john is her moms husband. they daughter and the sleazy husband get along so smashingly, they decide to drug the mom and set her up as a crazy woman, so that they can live happily ever after with the mom out of the way, without getting a pesky divorce and losing have of the sleaze balls assets.

they end up driving her so crazy that she decides to overdose on sleeping pills. instead of phoning emergency, they waited until she was dead to report the incident. 

of course, a nosy detective starts to snoop around. now, this is where i am at in the movie. and i must admit, i am not cut out for murder. 

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crime_and_Punishment)

i read crime and punishment by fyodor dostoyevsky and had the worst anxiety of my life. i can't even read about a person committing a murder. and lately, for some reason i have really been into true crime. and i just cannot believe that people think it is worth it to commit murder. and also, usually people kill over some stupid shit....and the stupider the motive, the more likely they are caught!

i just do not have the capacity to endure interrogations. 

lol, okay, i am still watching mini's first time and i must admit. mini is hilarious. first time in the interrogation room she says "it was colonel mustard in the library with a candle stick" lol!

(http://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/1294/clue)

i haven't played clue in a long time nor have i heard a solved mystery mentioned. i think it's pretty damn funny. hopefully if i ever kill someone i will be cool enough to say something like that.

knowing me, immediately after the murder i would stumble to the police station covered in blood and wielding a butcher knife. 

dazed by the atrocity of murder.

my only warning to you prospective murderers is plan, plan, plan!

step on a crack; break your mamma's back.

are you superstitious? i am, kind of. i don't know if it is superstition or my neurosis that keep me from stepping on cracks. but sometimes i like to step directly on top of a crack, it feels good...okay maybe it's my neurosis.

but i am superstitious to an extent. for instance, yesterday it was raining and so i had my umbrella in the living room. i was gonna open it because i forgot what the picture on it looked like. yet, i decided not to open it in fear of receiving bad luck from opening an umbrella indoors. i know it is stupid to believe such myths, but lately things haven't been going too well for me so i didn't really feel like tempting the gods. 

but then, what might be good luck for some is bad luck for others.

i assume that the thought that opening an umbrella indoors came from a neat freak who was tired of slobs opening wet umbrellas inside his hotel lobby so he made up the lie and it worked.

maybe, when people do stuff i don't like i can tell them it's bad luck to do it. i wish some influential person would have started the superstition that if you don't cover your mouth after you cough or wash your hand after using the restroom was bad luck. which really it is, not so much for your but for the poor unsuspecting person who touches something after you do or you couch in someones face and give them a cold.

anyways, i decided to do some research on superstitions and where they derived from. (by research i mean i found someone else's research from this website http://www.islandnet.com/~luree/silly.html)

It's bad luck to walk under a ladder. This came from the early Christian belief that a leaning ladder formed a triangle with the wall and ground. You must never violate the Holy Trinity by walking through a triangle, lest you be considered in league with the devil. (And you all know what good Christians did to people they suspected of being in league with the devil.) 

 

Don't spill the salt. Although some people believe that Judas spilt salt during the last supper, this claim can't be proven. Salt was a very precious expensive commodity in the middle ages. It was also used for medicinal purposes. If you spilled any, you must immediately throw it over your left shoulder to strike the nasty spirits in the eye, thus preventing sickness. 

" Breaking Mirrors = 7 years bad luck. Some time ago (ancient Romans, if I remember right), people believed that reflections were actually glimpses of the viewers soul. People had gazing pools in their gardens in which they could look at themselves. A really mean thing to do was wait until a person was gazing at their reflection and throw a stone in the water because the distruption of the reflection affected their soul and brought about bad luck. We don't have gazing pools anymore, but the mirror breaking superstition still lives on." - Donald Wilson - dpwilson@ualr.edu

i don't know, seems like a bunch of malarkey to me. first thing i am gonna do when i go home today is to open my umbrella indoors....but if i get bad luck i am gonna blame you people...

 

who the (bleep) did i marry?!

http://investigation.discovery.com/tv/who-the-bleep/

i am watching some recorded episodes of the I.D. channel's show: who the (bleep) did i marry. have you ever seen it? i love it.!

so far, on most of the episodes of love gone bad, the couple is referred to as "barbie and ken"...so ladies, if you are in a perfect barbie and ken relationship....get out now!! don't look back! the man is evil!

there is the old adage: if it's too good to be true, it probably is.

but another thing i have noticed is there were little hints here and there. but i assume all relationships have little red flags....don't they?

i am anti-marriage. i just think it is silly to tie your life to someone just because you love them. it's not the fifties, we have women's lib. why must we involve paperwork. oh yeah, the smart involve paperwork to get the same benefits as their spouse, or to get a good chunk of their money after the divorce.

i am totally pro gay marriage. i believe everyone should have equal rights. but really, i hate marriage all together and think it should be abolished. it's not necessary anymore, people as individuals can and should be able to take care of themselves.

the stories of love gone bad on who the (bleep) did i marry aren't stories of whirlwind romances. a lot of the women were engaged for a while before things went sour. or, they were married a long time before they discovered the monster they had trusted. 

what's a relationship if you can't evolve? but also, what's worse than falling in love with someone who you think that you know; but you have no idea about the real person they are. that's some scary shit. 

so hopefully, when your marriage comes to it's bitter end; it's not because your spouse ended up being a psychotic killer, it's because he is a lazy harmless neanderthal.

love is a many splendid thing!

it's valentine's day people! and for some wacky reason, i am just giddy with love!!! all day on facebook i have been posting love videos, songs, simpsons clips! and if my boyfriend doesn't have flowers for me this evening heads will roll!! just kidding.

i usually have a charlie brown view of this holiday. the "woe is me, nobody loves me" kind of mentality. that's even when i am in a relationship. but i am assuming the fact that i only had an hour or too of sleep might have made me punch drunk enough to be in love with love for the day.

but yes, sometimes valentine's day can be a cold, heartless bitch. 

there is a chuck palahniuk quote that i like to share on this day:

 “The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

i pretty much feel that is true. everyone has "the one that got away" even if they are very happy in the relationship they currently have, there is usually always someone they want more; same goes for their spouse.

that's one of the reasons i relate to woody allen flicks so much. in most of his movies, the characters are happy in a relationship until they end up meeting someone who they just have to have. i've been there, and if you have never been in that kind of predicament i fill sorry for you. it's excruciating, exciting, and damn near unbearable. it's all quite fun.

 

 

 but i have always enjoyed having crushes on people. even more so than actually having them like me back. i have never been too fearful of rejection because to me, the crush was so much fun it made me ambivalent on whether they shared my feelings or not.

  

having sex dreams about the one you want is awesome. makes you hate to wake up doesn't it? but when you do, it seems you like that person even more.

we gotta be self sufficient right? if you don't have a valentine, get yourself a present. i made my boyfriend give my presents to me early so you know what i did? i bought me an awesome willie nelson shirt to wear at his concert i will be attending march 9th, 2012! 

happiness is key in life, if you can't get it from yourself, good luck getting it from someone else.

surprise, surprise!

well whatdya know? everyone is talking about how great beyonce looks just 5 weeks after giving birth. we all saw this coming didn't we? i honestly am one of the conspiracy theory folks when it comes to beyonce and her child. i am convinced she hired a surrogate. we are all pawns in the celebrity game.

and what about those boobies! now, i remember growing up with a kind of flat chested beyonce. but because her life is so perfectly wonderfully, she lost weight, and her boobs grew! they should study her biology in labs all around the world, because if they can pin point which gene of her dna lets you lose weight while your tits get bigger, the scientist would become rich and the world would be a better looking place.

now, i understand that beyonce looks thicker than usual in these "post-baby" pictures, and if you get fat your chest get's bigger. so i just assume that she didn't want to be obvious about getting too skinny, so jay z let her get thicker, to keep the charade going.


i know i might be being hard on poor beyonce. it's just frustrating to me that this role model is perpetuating the myth that some people have the perfect life. she has a great career, as does her husband. she lost weight and naturally grew boobs. she decided to have a baby and she got pregnant right away. there were no complications with the pregnancy and five months later she looks great. both her parents are alive and all her siblings are alive and well.

 her life couldn't be better if her publicist had wrote it herself.

now whitney houston is an artist i can really stand behind, she let it all hang out. and now she is dead, but if anything her reasonably early demise reminds people that you can have it all, but if you are not careful, you become a sad statistic and the butt of a lot of mean jokes.

whatever beyonce's vice is, she has kept it well hidden and probably will till she dies. so little girls who admire her, will never be able to come close to what beyonce has, and they'll be depressed and bitter; against everyone but beyonce.

god doesn't want you to have sex for fun; that's why he made it feel so good. duh.

the pope does not like condoms. he, and his followers believe that sex is only for reproduction purposes. so if you are to use condoms or any other type of birth control, you are fornicating and should probably go to hell. 

is it those thoughts that make nasty backwards priests feel it's better to molest an altar boy, then to have consentual, protected sex with a woman or man?

until recently the pope was completely against condom use. finally, in 2010, he decided to condone condom use in certain cases.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-11804398

well praise the lord! thank you pope, at least now some of the poor souls that think you are worth listening to can have less guilt about protecting themselves during sex. coz guess what, people are going to have sex regardless, so let's make it safe.

in a step out of the dark ages, the united states government decided to make free birth control available to all women through there insurance. of course, that was too progressive and wonderful for the religious kooks in this country. 

http://www.medicaldaily.com/news/20120210/9091/obama-birth-control-planned-parenthood-contraception-catholic.htm

instead of wanting the world to be a better place, they want people to be punished with unwanted pregnancies and std's. if you are too scared to do fun stuff because of your god, that's fine. but don't try to ruin it for everyone else. if your god does exist, he will show people his wrath on judgement day or send them to hell when they die. you just worry about yourself. 

 

 

i don't believe in heaven or hell. but if they exist, give me a one way ticket to hell please. 

 

 

i sure the fuck don't want to spend eternity in  heaven with a bunch of hypocritical prudes, and a misogynistic, vengeful god.