Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Melanie Griffith is my role model.

I actually do not know much about Melanie Griffith, but this morning, as I sat with shallow breath, (because the pills I took this morning made it hurt to breath) I overheard the news mention that Miss Griffith is talking about her 25 year addiction to pain pills that she overcame three years ago. Now, I refer to this awesome lady as my role model because I would love, to be able to take a bunch of pills for 25 whole years and not overdose or anything! I try to abuse pills in careful stints, to try and avoid causing too much damage to myself, but my breathing this morning let's me know it is all in vain. I have fucked myself up with drugs and alcohol. C'est la vie!

Now, a pill popper who I do not admire is poor Tom Arnold. He was on the Howard Stern show last week and graciously admitted to the audience that due to his Oxycontin addiction, his colon exploded. Scary! But it is good that there are honest people out there who will let us know what is actually in store for us as drug abusers. I had no idea your bladder could explode from too many pills. I figured you would just overdose and die, and that was all. But as the angel Tom Arnold reminded me - there are things much worse than death. 

And we all need to be reminded of that sometimes. One of my favorite quotes is:

"Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse."

Welp, I still love that quote but I am far beyond leaving a good looking corpse. Hopefully the cremate me or donate my body to science. 

I wish I could be an awesome person like Hunter S. Thompson, and do whatever I want without a care, but I worry about leaving my family to grieve.....not that it means I am responsible and healthy....I'm not a fanatic!

Drugs and alcohol are fun, I like them too much to give them up. When people get sober, and say they feel so much better, I don't get it.

I know that one can function properly and happily without drugs or alcohol....but why? Why would you do that to yourself? When I have gone sober for a long time, it's fine, but oh so boring. What do you have to look forward to? I am reminded of another quote:

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.”
Frank Sinatra

Monday, July 2, 2012

Magic Mike: testes, testes, 1, 2, 3...

Have you seen Magic Mike? I plan to see it one day, a day when I am not totally broke....i'll probably just have to rent it one day.

I am not a huge fan of male strippers, I have always assumed that male strippers are gay, simply because they look so good and move so well. So when Thunder from Down Under is in the area, a lot of women get excited and plan to go, but I simply don't care.

Not that I have anything against it, I just don't really see the point of someone gyrating in front of me and I don't even get to bone them afterwards. I gotta go home and do some straight dude with no rhythm nor washboard abs. I guess if I just close my eyes, it wouldn't be so bad...

What pleases me about Magic Mike is that it gives women something to look forward to finally. Men are rarely used in movies merely for their looks, Hollywood values men that are good actors. I guess with enough swag, a good actor becomes super attractive, like, say a Leonardo Dicaprio, now that his looks have faded, people still want to bone him because he is so good at what he does.....and he's super rich.

Same with Steve Buschemi.

I love how on Facebook, it's not only men liking Suicide Girl's photos or the many other random women who pose seductively, but now women are talking about sexy dudes. I think it is good, let's remind these straight dudes that looks are important! Men should know that although we are with their ugly, unkempt asses, we would surely leave them for

Channing Tatum
(even though he looks kind of dumb)

Mathew McConaughey

Joe Manganiello

Alex Pettyfer

Matt Bomer

I wonder, if most dudes looked like the cast of Magic Mike, would we be so bored with extremely gorgeous dudes, that we would start wanting our old mishapen scrubby dudes again?