Tuesday, March 27, 2012

my "Draw Something" confession:

This is embarrassing, but I have to tell someone; when I play Draw Something with my crush, I imagine they are drawing on me....it makes it quite erotic. As each stroke of color appears, I pretend i am being stroked. It's much better than reading a romance novel. But it is pathetic, I realize that.
Okay, so i thought after i confessed i would feel some sort of relief. But now i just feel stupid. Maybe i should say a couple "Hail Mary's" or whatever priest usually tell you to do so your sins can be absolved.

 now all I do is sit here and stare at my phone, waiting for my crush to draw something for me to guess. It's frustrating that other people have lives and aren't obsessed about you like you are with them. 

Maybe i should just tell my crush how i feel. 

I'm sure they feel the same. Then we can run into each others arms and live happily ever after.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Is forbidden the best kid of love?

Has their ever been someone you were so smitten with, but there was no way in hell you could ever hook up? Now, i am not talking about a sheep or a young person, i think that is wrong. I am talking about two people of the same species, mature enough to choose their own sexual partners.

I have the BIGGEST crush on someone right now. If they acknowledge i exist, I get giddy. I have had many dreams about them, and wake up more in love. But alas, we can never consummate our lust.
We are both in serious relationships. So i tell myself, it's okay to daydream that we might someday let our emotions go crazy and ravish each other....but all that does is make me all the more frustrated. 

Because i am just reminded of the fact that the hot crazy sex i was imagining will never come to fruition.

and the stupidest part is that because of our relationship, i doubt they have had the same thoughts that i have. And if they have had such thoughts, i most likely will never find out. So, how do i get over this obsession i have developed? Is there some kind of twelve step program that i can join? It didn't help me with alcohol, but i would be willing to give it a try anyway. I want to be released from the relentless yearning!

I would like to move on with my life. But as of now I cannot. 

Maybe i'll take up smoking.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

when you're done with your illicit affair, can you pick up some milk?

 I do not believe in monogamy. I think it is stupid and unnatural. We, as a species, need to fornicate wildly in order to enjoy the life we are given. Why must we toil with the complexities of picking one person and trying to stay with them forever? Actually, I would imagine that less marriages would end in divorce if people stopped trying to live up to the false morals of the Bible, and just go with the flow.

The men who penned the Bible were sexually repressed, misogynistic haters, who were tired of everyone having fun, so they decided to write down a bunch of outrageous rules. And just to be sure that people followed the rules, they made up a stories about a boogie man that lives in a place called hell, and also a boogie man that lives in a place called heaven. And people believed them! So much so, that most of the world is brainwashed into thinking you have to find one person, and never have random sex again.

The masses think that marriage being similar to jail time is funny....it's not. We really need to change our views on all the old "morals" that some hateful men created a very long time ago. Back then, people didn't have any answers, so I understand people needing to believe some fairy tale. But now, with science, there is no excuse. 

You would think all of the religious prudes would want gay marriage. But they don't. They hope homosexuality will go away if we do not allow any LGTB people have any rights. Keep praying (cause that works wonders)! We're here, We're queer, get used to it!

Okay, that gay part took me a little bit off of the tangent i was on.

To be Continued....

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

There goes the neighborhood.

I hate racist, and really would like everyone to live in harmony. With that said, I really hope it's an African American or Mexican family that moves into my neighborhood next. So many white trash families have invaded my previously ethnic neighborhood lately, it makes me want to move.

My neighborhood is low income. But i have always loved it. I am walking distance to a Bar, the Public Library, the Post Office, the Courthouse, a movie theater, a tattoo shop, and a little Mexican market, which means i can visit all of these places drunk or stoned, since i do not have to drive. 

Before the American economy took a dump, the area i lived in consisted mostly of Mexicans and African Americans. Now, more and more white trash families are moving in and they ruining the peaceful community we once had. i am not saying that i do not want any Caucasians living near me, I just do not want the stereotypical white trash moving in any more, and it seems that the decent Caucasians pick better hoods to live in. The only reason i am writing about this is because, i think it's funny a person would wish to have Mexicans or African Americans move into their neighborhood as opposed to Caucasians. All I have ever heard of is people not wanting minorities invading their areas.

I used to like skateboarders when i was in high school but, in bad neighborhoods, almost every household has guard dogs. Now that so many skater kids have moved in, they use everyone's side walks and the dog barking is constant. It doesn't seem to bother the kids, cause they are always hanging out in front of barking dogs, not giving a shit.

Maybe it's me. I may just be the crotchety old woman of my neighborhood....I do have a lot of pets. I wonder what my reputation is. I always thought i was the big breasted, sexual dynamo of my area.
please don't tell me i am considered the crazy animal lady. 
My dogs think I'm cool...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Everytime Disney fails, an angel gets its wings.

I truly hate the Disney company. They are evil. I love when they fail. It makes me so happy to know that John Carter failed. Not because i have anything against that specific movie, or the books it was based on. Actually, from all of the commercials i have seen for John Carter, i don't recall any mention of the A Princess of Mars series. Perhaps if they would have explained the movie was based on a series of books, people would have showed a little more interest. The impression i got from the movie trailers i had seen, acted as if i was already supposed to know who John Carter was, and I should be excited that the story has been made into a film. Maybe if it were a more popular series of books that kind of marketing would have worked.

What really chaps my ass about Disney is their "Vault". Talk about a bunch of creeps, they release their classics once every ten years so that there will be a demand and they can charge the highest dvd/blu ray prices. I think it's pretty fucked up. That's why i have refused to buy any of the classics that i love. I realize that one person rebelling against "the man" doesn't really make a difference, but it makes me feel good to know I am not buying into their greed.

I do the same thing with Walmart. Although I do not really have extra money lying around, I try to shop anywhere but Walmart. The reason being, they are not good to their employees. Also, i have a lot of family members in Unions and Walmart basically stole the Unions slogan (live better, work union), to rub it in their face that they refuse to go Union and treat their employees better, and the public doesn't care. 
They just want cheap prices no matter the societal cost. 

When the subject of me not going to Walmart or being vegetarian comes up, my mom tells me: "One person taking a stand isn't going to change anything, so why do it?"

What encouraging words of wisdom. I love my family. I am the black sheep i suppose. It's odd. Many people consider me to be wild, a little on the crazy side, but when it comes to my family, I am the goody two shoes they all make fun of. My cousin considers me the Lisa Simpson of our family, I am not as righteous as she is, but compared to the neanderthals that raised me, I am close.
I feel, you should not "do what the Romans do". If you believe in something, no matter how futile is seems, take a stand. At least it will help you sleep better at night knowing that although no one seems to care, you have the courage of your convictions.  

Monday, March 19, 2012

how can a name that contains the word "smart", be so stupid?

Casper Smart. Jeez, that name is ridiculous. It takes a real megalomaniac to walk around calling himself Casper Smart and expect to be taken serious. The sad thing is, i do believe he is taken seriously in the fantasy world of J-LO. With all of her yes men, i can only imagine how many have told him what a cool, unique name he has. 

After all, according to rumors, he is getting a paycheck to be Jennifer Lopez's lover. She's old but she is still good looking, perhaps her personality is so atrocious, paying a lover is the only way to keep one around a while. Do you think he is awesome in bed? I supposed he would have to be. Right? I mean, he is a dancer.

You know who i think must be super amazing in the sack? The rapper T.I's wife, Tiny.

Watching the T.V. show T.I. & Tiny: The Family Hustle, it doesn't seem like Tiny would be T.I.'s caliber of women. She is okay looking, and she doesn't seem very smart at all. T.I. is cute (for a skinny dude), and he seems smart. He is super sexy in My Love with Justin Timberlake.

I just assume Tiny is a dream in the sack, doing crazy stuff and spinning on his penis. possibly spinning plates.

Or i could be wrong and they are just really connected on an emotional level that no one else can understand.

But i truly doubt that "Casper" and JLO have said connection.

I am all for having sex with ugly people. Some of my best sex has been with people i wouldn't want to be seen in public with. As long as they are hygienic, i say give the uglies a chance. They are usually pretty darn good.

My best sex of all time was with a dude who was good looking, and awesome in bed....of course, to him, i was one that he wouldn't take out in public. But i surely didn't mind, whenever he beckoned i was ready and willing. He wasn't very smart, so it's not like going outdoors with him would have been enlightening.....it was the indoor fun that was awe inspiring.

i think Blanche Devereaux from The Golden Girls said it best"

"There's nothing sexier than an intelligent man; unless it's a stupid man with good hands."

that quote isn't verbatim, but i searched all over the internet and couldn't find it. They have so many mediocre Golden Girls quotes, it's hard to come by the good ones.

Friday, March 16, 2012

are there any fair fights these days?

let me start off by saying that i don't believe violence should be the answer for anything. i try to avoid fights, but if necessary i can and will defend myself. what bothers me most is, i never hear about good old fashioned fights anymore. all i hear about is people getting jumped. what the fuck is that? if you aren't capable of fighting "one on one" then you should keep your mouth shut and not start any shit.  coz we all know that the majority of the ones starting shit, are really the ones that cannot back it up.

my boyfriend and i were jumped around christmas eve last year. a month later i heard that some other girls were jumped on the same reservation. my uncle, was jumped a month after that. and even leah from teen mom 2 was recently jumped by some random chicks.

i am an avid watcher of teen mom 2, and i admit, i think leah is kind of fucked up to her babies daddy, but jeez, i doubt it would be necessary to jump her. she's tiny. she doesn't seem like a fighter. what makes one think they would need two others to help them? if you want to fight her, do it by yourself, and if she doesn't want to fight you....find someone who does, you fucking chicken shit loser.

i just found out today that my younger cousin was jumped. my brother gets jumped almost every time he has an altercation. now, my brother, uncle, cousin and i were born fighters. it's how we were raised. i suppose that is why we get jumped; we're crazy and we've seen many a fight, so pretty quick people realize they probably should have picked someone else to start something with. i can't vouch for my family members, but i, personally, do not look for fights. i also do not cower when someone is feeling froggy.

it just is so infuriating that people can't fight without the help of others. and how does it make them feel good? that they had to gang up on somebody in order to win? that's really winning to them? probably. i just don't get it. i would feel bad being involved in an unfair fight that resulted in someone getting serious injuries.

if you have so much aggression that you must fight, start a fight club for christ's sake.

actually, a good rule to go by if you're ever unsure, ask yourself this:

what would chuck palahniuk do?

Thursday, March 15, 2012

only the lonely...

i have no social life. i know what you are thinking: "how can a girl with such a great outlook on life not have any friends?". i ask myself the same thing daily. 

see, i love my job, but i work with an elderly white woman, and a middle aged mexican man. i wouldn't want to work with anyone else, but they don't really help to expand my social circle.

i suppose i could go with the old lady to a casino and play bingo.

or maybe catch a cock fight with the mexican man.

(i didn't want to post an actual cock fight picture, they are horrid and despicable)

okay, those comments about bingo and the cockfight are pretty prejudice. i was just joking, my coworkers don't fit all the normal stereotypes. but we still have no interest in seeing each other after work.

i have one woman who i consider a friend, and she lives about a two hour drive from me. i see her once  a month if i am lucky. my other female friends, i have slowly but surely lost touch with.

in the last year, some girls have tried to befriend me. they are too young for me. i enjoy partying and drugs, but i still like to be home at a decent time most of the week; i have pets for cripes sake. actually i prefer to do drugs at home, by myself, in a dark room.

anyways, i guess the point i am trying to make is that with younger girls, by the time i got comfy at home, planned my television or reading schedule,  i would get a call to go out. and by then i am already fancy on the idea of a quiet evening at home; on second thought, maybe i should go play bingo at the senior center.

or, my fate may be to become a hermit like i have always imagined. i know of some land i can use undetected. maybe i'll build a hut out of mud and grow a garden.

if total isolation isn't quite my thing, i can always try being homeless. then i would at least have some interaction.

if homelessness becomes too cold, my only other option is to start a cult. that way, the only people that i would have to deal with are ones that i brainwashed to my own specifications.

i pick door number 3.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

but, i don't want to have a seizure...

whitney cummings was on howard stern yesterday. she was talking about her drug addicted sister and mentioned how, her sister was so fucked up on drugs, they had to keep feeding drugs to her until she entered rehab or her body would go into shock and she would have a seizure and die. 

i have heard of that happening before. on an episode of intervention, they spoke of a girl who drank 40 plus beers a day and then quit cold turkey. two days later she had a seizure and then died.

i'm totally freaking out man! yesterday, i had already decided to start weening myself of of the pain pills i have been taking for the last two months. now, i haven't taken them everyday, i skip a day here or there, but when i heard whitney cummings, i felt it was some kind of ominous message that i will have a seizure and die!

basically i am just a neurotic. but there is some merit in my fear. if one were to overdose on these pills, they can have a seizure, i have seen it with my own eyes! you might wonder why, after seeing such a sight, i would continue to pop said pills? because i wanted to cut back on drinking....duh! just so you know, i stopped talking those pills for a long time once i witnessed the overdose seizure. i had to wait for my seizure paranoia to subside. and it did. then stupid whitney cummings had to go scare me again. 

i don't like whitner cummings; and it's not just because she put the fear of seizures into my brain, it's because she is good looking and howard stern loves her. i am not a fan of her comedy, but that might be the little green jealousy monster blocking my comedy receptors when she is speaking. i feel bad that i am such a hater, i wish i was all "kumbaya" when it came to good looking, talented chicks. but until i become good looking and talented, i have to sadly admit i wish for the pretty peoples demise.

but really, if there is any justice in the world; shouldn't the beautiful suffer? ugly people suffer all the time. plus, the uglies don't get discounts or breaks like good looking people do. 

alls i know is, if you are ugly or fat, you better be nice! 

because there is nothing worse than a fat, ugly asshole!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

where'd you get those chompers?

yesterday i blabbed on about ru paul's drag race seasons 1 thru 3, today i would like to blab about season 4. it wasn't in my game plan initially, but i totally forget to mention it yesterday ( i tend to get distracted).

my first reaction after seeing all the contestants was "wow, look at everyone's teeth". let me first say, that i, myself, do not have picturesque teeth. that being said, when i do entertain the thought of going on reality tv, i remember that my teeth weren't meant to grace america's televisions. and if i do get the courage to show the public my chompers, i would expect nothing less than everyone to make fun of me.

so, let the insults commence!

just kidding. but let me first talk about jiggly.

jiggly caliente

jiggly got kicked off yesterday, but i think she looked pretty cute sometimes. although, i did think it was funny that on the runway she chose to use a sucker, which obviously draws attention to the mouth. my question is, why would you want to draw attention to your mouth when it isn't that sexy?

i feel bad saying that, but really, i have no friends and my boyfriend doesn't watch drag race so i needed to tell someone. it was driving me crazy!

another gummy contestant that has been kicked off already is milan.

she looks pretty right? it's just a little much when she sports a full on smile.

my favorite queen this season just has some raunchy looking teeth i guess. but i like her look so much, i don't even think it matters.

sharon needles

another fave this year is latrice royale. she is just loud and fun. her face makeup is so orange, but the judges don't seem to mind so i may be missing something. but i like her and hope she makes it to the end, she makes the show interesting.

latrice royale

unfortunately, she doesn't have award winning teeth either. and really, i don't usually judge people by their teeth, it's just a little jarring when someone rounds up a bunch of people with bad teeth and puts them in the same room.

kenya michaels

kenya michaels is no longer in the competition, but she probably was the fishiest (looks like a real woman) of the bunch, but she was a scary little man without the makeup.

the queen i hate is phi phi o'hara. she is hateful and always has an attitude for no reason. she makes a pretty girl, but there is nothing special about her drag look or her personality.

and initially, you think, he's a cute guy, but his personality ruins that.

chad michals is pretty good. although, as a man he looks kind of weird due to all the plastic surgery he has had. (he is a cher drag queen, and looks just like cher when he does her)

he gets mad when people do the above mannerisms when portraying cher.

but he also looks good as a regular no name drag queen.

i have to mention willam because he is annoying, yet funny coz he pisses everyone off on purpose. and also, he doesn't realize that she usually has an obvious 5 o' clock shadow, even though everyone has told her about it.

so, those are the only ones from season 4 that i care to discuss.

what i forgot yesterday was shangela!

oh, how i hate shangela. she was on season 2, got kicked off right away, then was on season 3. she went pretty far on season 3, even though she fucked up a lot in the beginning. during a standup challenge, she won doing her character shaniqua (or something to that effect). it wasn't funny, it was just better than all the other terrible acts.

as a joke, they made it seem like she was going to be on season 4 also, i definitely would not have watched the season if she was on it. she sucks!