Monday, October 8, 2012

Danny Devito is finally up for grabs!!

News is that Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman are getting divorced. I know that it's sad, they have been together since the early 1970's, so, if my math is correct, it was a forty year relationship. No one should take pleasure in a relationship of that length ending...but I do, because I am in love with Danny Devito, and now he is single and ready to mingle!!

This man is so adorable and my love for him runs so deep, that I would not allow anyone to watch the show Cheers in my presence, because the sight of Rhea Perlman filled me with so much jealousy I couldn't stand it. 

I hadn't always loved Mr. Devito, I always thought he was cool but I didn't develop feelings for him until I started watching him on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If I recall, my crush started when he was hitting a bong and had his leg up on the bar for some odd reason, it was so cute. 

But the moment I fell in love with him was during The Nightman Cometh episode. He was beyond adorable. After that, I started to notice how charming he is in all of his roles. Plus, he's always drunk and so am I. 

We are a match made in heaven....his face would come right up to my boobs. Now alls I gotta do is find some way to kidnap, then brainwash him so that he loves me too and we can spend the rest of our inebriated lives together...fairy tales do exist!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

MInaj V. Carey

I hate American Idol. I think it is a stupid show with talentless hacks doing terrible performances. But, I have to admit, if they are smart enough to show tidbits of the Nicki Minaj/Mariah Carey arguments, I will watch until the girls start to get along or one of them quits. 

I couldn't find a decent video of their recent fight on Youtube, so I will just post a link to TMZ, incase you haven't already seen it.

What's good about TMZ is that they actually have a script of the otherwise inaudible fight.

I forgot to mention, besides hating American Idol, I also dislike Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj.

 I don't have any real reason to dislike Mariah other than she seems like a psycho megalomaniac (she had her husband play a recording of her concert during the birth or their twins so that it was the first thing they ever heard), but I do enjoy some of her music, and of course, no one can argue the beauty of her singing voice.

Nicki Minaj on the other hand, doesn't seem to have a noticeable talent; her rapping is okay. She tries too hard, I'd say her talent is that she sure knows how to run a gimmick into the ground. Some of her songs are catchy, but I doubt she writes most of her lyrics or helps that much with production, if she does, I give my deepest apologies. Also, during the argument, Nicki just sounds like a mentally disabled, whiny, wannabe gangster.

I know American Idol is extremely happy about the confrontations, but they aren't going to show us the juicy stuff. They will allude to it maybe, but they will try to get everyone to focus on "what's really important": the crappy contestants.

So I say we take a stand! Don't tune in unless you know for a fact that they are going to give us the dirt! We deserve it!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Honey Boo Boo Child

Many times I shake my head in despair at the downfall of humanity, and I wonder; why wont people help make this world a better place? Then I grab my beer, scroll through my recorded tv shows, and put on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

I know it's wrong. I realize that I am part of the problem. I just cannot help myself. Each episode has shocked and amazed me. I knew there were people in this world that were uneducated, gross and outrageous; I just didn't know to what extent

Now, to give myself some credit, my plan was to avoid watching the show all together, but a dear friend that I respect, and who also loves the morbid as much as I do, recommended the show to me.

The first episode I saw was the episode where Mama's neck crust debuted. The family was shopping and Pumpkin found a product in the store that can remove rust, so she went to her mom and said it could remove the crust from her neck.

Then they showed a close up of Mama's neck crust. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, I was blown away, yet, I was also laughing. Little did I know, neck crust is a minor thing compared to Mama's forklift foot.

Mama has an old forklift injury on her foot, it was ran over by a forklift. She wears a sock on it all the time, even while swimming, and also while making love to Sugar Bear (her babies daddy).

The one time she showed of the forklift foot, was when her and the girls went to a water park to reward them for gaining weight while on a diet. when I looked up pictures of her foot, there was some pretty gross images. I don't want to subject you guys nor myself to that so I will post a moderately gross pic.

The toenail is ugly,  but that isn't what makes her foot so disgusting...when she pulled the musty sock off her foot, gnats started buzzing around. I swear, when I saw it, I could have sworn that the gnats crawled out from under and around the nail. It  was one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. 

That is, until I saw the episode where Mama made her famous sketti sauce...

...which seems to be equal parts butter and ketchup, or catsup (i didn't catch the brand they used). To me, this seems sooo disgusting, but then again, the way they were chomping this stuff down, and the fact that it is so terribly unhealthy, it leads me to believe that it probably is pretty tasty. Still, I am proud to say that I can guarantee that I will not try that concoction. I'll stick to store bought, preservative filled Prego, thank you very much.

Those are the main things of the show that appalled me, but there are so many other small things that make it worth watching. The world is going to hell in a handbasket anyways, might as well watch Honey Boo Boo and her family, what else are you gonna do? Read?

Monday, October 1, 2012

It's October! I can hardly contain myself!

     Fuck January, I am going to use the beautiful month of October to make a new start in my life. For instance, one thing I have decided to do is resume my blog! Yes, my fans, I know so many of you were distraught at my absence, but I am back. I figure, since I would someday like to be paid writer, I should practice writing everyday, even if it is just my idiotic ramblings, practice is practice. On that note, my goal is to also create comics for warped minds to enjoy, so I need to do maybe two a week, and also practice drawing, because I really need help in that area.

As you can see from my comic above, I need all the practice I can get. Let's see, what other changes towards my betterment did I decide to do? Oh yeah! I am going to finally get serious about losing weight. I have been fat for about five years now, and I think I am finally sick of it! (I think).

Hmm, for self improvement I think those are the only things I decided to work on, now let me share with you why October is such a wonderful month.

Halloween! I adore Halloween and all it entails. I actually love it so much that I keep decorations up year round, luckily my loving boyfriend doesn't give me any crap about it. 

The horror movies! In October, many channels play more horror flicks than usual during the month, and the week of Halloween it's like a beautiful horror orgy! I love it. 

The weather! I actually live in the desert so it's not so much beautiful fall colors and stuff, it's just, tolerable weather, instead of the excruciating heat of the summer. 

Welp, I guess that's everything. I am really looking forward to this being a great month...did i just jinx myself?

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I'm balding and have West Nile Virus. How's your day going?

Saturday morning I woke up with a terrible hangover. I could barely move, I was barfing, and I wanted to die. I went outside, laid on the concrete and wished for deaths sweet embrace. But death didn't come and greet me like I prayed for, instead, my parents showed up ready to do some serious yard work in the 100 degree weather.

While I reluctantly feigned yard work, I decided that I was in no condition whatsoever to go to the wedding I had been invited to, which, if I were going, I had to be ready for in an hour. So I sent a text to one of the bridesmaids and informed her, that, although I adore watching two people in love involve the government into their relationship, I would have to skip this one because my hangover was not going to be leaving anytime soon. Well, she told the bride about me staying home, and then I felt bad so I decided I should go. The last time I missed a party because I was hungover, the person died a few days later and I felt pretty bad that I missed their celebration due to my debauchery.

So I threw on my gray shawl, and headed to the wedding...

It was actually quite beautiful. The ceremony was held in the mountains in a forest setting, despite me being so sick, and not the social butterfly I usually am at these sort of things, I really enjoyed the setting. 

I got to see Blue Jays, and an Eagle swoop up above. I had wished I brought my camera or at least gotten stoned so I could really appreciate the scenery, but all in all I was thankful that I got my debilitated ass up and celebrated love.

And then a mosquito bit me three times.

Now, I am not sure if you are aware, but as of now, West Nile Virus  is again breaking out all over North America in record numbers. Since Monday, I have had a minor headache and have been itchy...two symptoms, but starting tomorrow I am going to not have anymore pills in my system so I'll be able to pinpoint where my symptoms are stemming from.

Now to my baldness...

I had a dream last night that I was going bald, it made me scared. I woke up this morning thinking that I had West Nile Virus and that I was going bald, I hate mornings like that and I just wanted to get it off of my chest. 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Uh, Prince Harry...I can see your Prince Albert...

Okay, Okay, obviously in these pictures you cannot see if Prince Harry has a Prince Albert piercing or not, but I thought it was funny to insinuate that he had one. I also thought since he was nude, a pun using his name "Harry" would have been good as well...but I can't spot any hair down there either.

I do not pay much attention to the Royal Family, and although some of Harry's famous antics are semi-racist, he seems like an awesome dude. Because really, growing up in his family, where everyone tries to portray a proper image to the world, good 'ol Harry seems to say "Fuck all That!".

I have had some crazy, alcohol/drug induced romps in my life, and there has been camera's in the vicinity a few times. As far as I am aware, there is no footage of me being scandalous in the world, but really, how aware can one be if they are totally wasted? The footage of myself that I knew of has supposedly been destroyed, but what about the times someone had a camera on me that I didn't know about, and what if the stuff I thought was destroyed really wasn't? Or they had duplicates? I guess my only saving grace is that when said behavior could have been recorded, i was skinny. Now that I am fat, my behavior has calmed down dramatically. But still, my biggest fear is finding some picture of me naked, surrounded by a bunch of dudes or something. 

Due to my fear, I periodically type my name in Google Images, squint my eyes and hold my breath while I press the search button and wait to see what pops up. So far so good, but let me just take a moment to knock on wood...

Luckily for me, no one would care if I were nude, but many young people these days are into sexting and what not. And this worries me, because how do they know if their future career could be ruined by such a photo or video? Many people request nude pics from me, as I am sure they probably do to you also. When they ask, I simply reply that it may ruin my future run for presidency. They usually get mad, but more times than not, they will send me a picture of their penis anyways...

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

If you have a vagina, you need to vote. If you love vagina, you need to vote.

Personally, I hate politics. I am disheartened by it all, but, I still vote. Many people think that voting doesn't do anything, and, while that may be true for electing a President, It does help to vote for propositions and such. 

I live in California, a place that some may consider a very liberal State. I thought it was liberal until we had to vote on Proposition 8, which was nicknamed Prop H8TE since, if it passed, same sex marriage would not be legal....and guess what, it passed!  

Actually, I wasn't too surprised that it passed because a few days before the polls, I was protesting Prop 8 and people were driving by calling us "perverts" and yelling other hate towards us. Now, I don't mind be called a pervert, never have, but I couldn't believe that there was so much hate in the world. Why do they care so much?

And the point of this blog is just that. There are so many haters in this world, and guess what? They absolutely love to vote and they get giddy over taking peoples rights away. Misery loves company and if a man is too afraid to come out of the closet, he will be certain to vote for taking rights away from brave homosexuals who are living their life the way they want. If a woman let a man force her into having the baby he impregnated her with, she will vote to make sure every other women has to give up their dreams and have babies they do not want, or do not care for. 

"If I am miserable, you should be too!" - That's what needs to be printed on the dollar bill instead of "In God We Trust". God is just the ruse they use to try and make everyone as unhappy as them.

Now, before I get into god and all that malarky, one point I want to make is about the "haters" voting.

Take the Chick-fil-a hoopla that happened this year. People waited in lines for a stupid chicken sandwich, just to support hate. That gives you an idea of what happens when something that has to do with civil rights is on the ballot. Voting is free, when it's time to vote on the issues, the haters will be out in droves. 

The people indifferent to gay rights and voting, will not help the cause, because it doesn't involve them and they don't vote anyways. But we need the indifferent people to get out there and vote for equal rights, just to protect rights in general. Please vote, because one day you may have your rights taken from you....the politicians really are on a mission to take away any rights that aren't involved in a fantasy Christian, bible thumping world.

Now women's reproductive rights are on the political agenda. These old fuckers, who complain about welfare and crime, insist on forcing women to have their unwanted babies....babies that usually grow up to be criminals raised on welfare. It's so infuriating. And they also want rape victims to be forced to have the children of their rapist?! Imagine, being a woman and having to look at your child everyday, your child who looks just like the asshole who violated you. They want the women to suffer for the rest of their lives! Raising a kid is a longer sentence than a convicted rapist will get.

I've heard the argument: "rape shouldn't be cured with murder of innocents".
Uhm, okay. So we'll let the rapist spread his seed to innocent women....imagine the hard-on that will give the fucking will probably entice more slime balls to rape.

And also, if an embryo is a living, innocent creature that we should all respect and nurture....why would anyone force the person who wanted the baby dead, to have it against her will? What life will that make for the child?

I really hate having to reiterate my stance on abortion all the time, and I am sure if there is someone who has read a large amount of my blogs, they are tired of it also. Abortion isn't my favorite topic but it boggles my mind that people would like to take that right away. 

They don't want women to have abortions, they don't want us to use birth control; they just want us to be barefoot and pregnant so that we can stay home and men can be "in control" again....we gotta stop reverting back to the dark ages.

Argh! I am so frustrated! I better just stop now, but people, please vote for women's rights! Especially if you are a women, we need to have control over our own bodies!

And if you think rape victims shouldn't be allowed abortions, I pray to your Lord that someone rapes you in the ass and nine months later you shit out a demon baby that you are forced to raise. Amen.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Melanie Griffith is my role model.

I actually do not know much about Melanie Griffith, but this morning, as I sat with shallow breath, (because the pills I took this morning made it hurt to breath) I overheard the news mention that Miss Griffith is talking about her 25 year addiction to pain pills that she overcame three years ago. Now, I refer to this awesome lady as my role model because I would love, to be able to take a bunch of pills for 25 whole years and not overdose or anything! I try to abuse pills in careful stints, to try and avoid causing too much damage to myself, but my breathing this morning let's me know it is all in vain. I have fucked myself up with drugs and alcohol. C'est la vie!

Now, a pill popper who I do not admire is poor Tom Arnold. He was on the Howard Stern show last week and graciously admitted to the audience that due to his Oxycontin addiction, his colon exploded. Scary! But it is good that there are honest people out there who will let us know what is actually in store for us as drug abusers. I had no idea your bladder could explode from too many pills. I figured you would just overdose and die, and that was all. But as the angel Tom Arnold reminded me - there are things much worse than death. 

And we all need to be reminded of that sometimes. One of my favorite quotes is:

"Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse."

Welp, I still love that quote but I am far beyond leaving a good looking corpse. Hopefully the cremate me or donate my body to science. 

I wish I could be an awesome person like Hunter S. Thompson, and do whatever I want without a care, but I worry about leaving my family to grieve.....not that it means I am responsible and healthy....I'm not a fanatic!

Drugs and alcohol are fun, I like them too much to give them up. When people get sober, and say they feel so much better, I don't get it.

I know that one can function properly and happily without drugs or alcohol....but why? Why would you do that to yourself? When I have gone sober for a long time, it's fine, but oh so boring. What do you have to look forward to? I am reminded of another quote:

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.”
Frank Sinatra

Monday, July 2, 2012

Magic Mike: testes, testes, 1, 2, 3...

Have you seen Magic Mike? I plan to see it one day, a day when I am not totally broke....i'll probably just have to rent it one day.

I am not a huge fan of male strippers, I have always assumed that male strippers are gay, simply because they look so good and move so well. So when Thunder from Down Under is in the area, a lot of women get excited and plan to go, but I simply don't care.

Not that I have anything against it, I just don't really see the point of someone gyrating in front of me and I don't even get to bone them afterwards. I gotta go home and do some straight dude with no rhythm nor washboard abs. I guess if I just close my eyes, it wouldn't be so bad...

What pleases me about Magic Mike is that it gives women something to look forward to finally. Men are rarely used in movies merely for their looks, Hollywood values men that are good actors. I guess with enough swag, a good actor becomes super attractive, like, say a Leonardo Dicaprio, now that his looks have faded, people still want to bone him because he is so good at what he does.....and he's super rich.

Same with Steve Buschemi.

I love how on Facebook, it's not only men liking Suicide Girl's photos or the many other random women who pose seductively, but now women are talking about sexy dudes. I think it is good, let's remind these straight dudes that looks are important! Men should know that although we are with their ugly, unkempt asses, we would surely leave them for

Channing Tatum
(even though he looks kind of dumb)

Mathew McConaughey

Joe Manganiello

Alex Pettyfer

Matt Bomer

I wonder, if most dudes looked like the cast of Magic Mike, would we be so bored with extremely gorgeous dudes, that we would start wanting our old mishapen scrubby dudes again? 


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The animals need our help.

I have a bleeding heart when it comes to animals. I love them all, and hate that humans treat them like disposable objects. 

I have three dogs and two cats. If I could I would, adopt every unwanted animal I came across, but of course that is not possible. What I should do is get off my lazy ass and try to fund some sort of foundation at the very least; provide free vaccinations and spaying/neutering program in my community. Right now I am stuck in a low brow, small town ghetto that makes it heart wrenching to go outside due to all of the stray animals and stupid druggies walking dogs without leashes. 

It's depressing and infuriating. In my neighborhood, most of the people let their dogs roam free once a day to use the restroom on other people's lawns (particularly mine). So in the morning there are numerous neighborhood dogs milling around. 
Aren't these people worried that their dogs could get ran over? Of course not. To them, dogs are disposable. They probably get offered dogs weekly by all their friends and family that try to breed or just don't bother to get their pets fixed.

My extended family is the worst. My Grandma actually considers it in insult when she calls me "dog lover" but I am very proud when someone calls me that. 

Think about it, domestic animals, like cats, dogs, hamster, etc., have only to rely on the kindness of stranger. A human acquires them, and hopefully that human is decent and realizes the animal is not some soulless creature put on earth just for their amusement, it is a poor defenseless animal that has to live in a fucked up world full of disgusting people who aren't worth a shit but still value themselves over all animals.


Monday, June 11, 2012

Everyone is stupid and I hate leaving my house.

I don't have a topic today, I just want to describe my commute to work this morning. 
I was running late (like always) but I needed some ice tea, since the only tea I have brewed at home doesn't taste very good....well, I have only tasted it while hungover, but I figured on a Monday, I shouldn't risk having to choke down gross tea. 

I live in a small town which has two donut shops that serve brewed iced tea. Of course, I live closest to the shop that kind of grosses me out and the people are rude. Being in such a hurry I decided to go there. As I reach for my money, I realize my boyfriend has it in the house. I know exactly where it is because he tried to hand it to me last night, but I was having fun getting inebriated and told him I would get it later. 

I have my ATM card, but this particular donut shop is cash only. Great.

Now, I have 7 minutes to get to work, and i need some type of hydration for the first four hours of my shift. (I drink about a gallon of water in the morning because I am always dehydrated due to the massive amount of alcohol I imbibed the previous night, Monday, being the day that I require the most hydration.)

I can go to the liquor store right by my job, and buy a giant water, or drive to the "good" donut shop which is about five minutes away. If I hop on the freeway and drive like a maniac....I really want Iced tea and even though my boss is supposed to show up at work today, I decide I can make it ...yeah, I'll make it. 

With all of the determination of the fat dehydrated girl I am, I hop onto the freeway and do 70 in the slow lane till I reach my exit. As I zoom onto the off ramp and towards the stop light, I see some asshole who is in the center of the right lane so that I cannot squeeze through and make a right turn. So I have to begrudgingly wait for the light to turn green. 

While I impatiently wait for the light, I have another choice to make; follow the truck that blocked my right turn, which will take me directly to my donut shop, or, make a right turn, and then have to do a U-turn to get to said shop.

I figure I'll just follow the jerk ahead of me. Wrong choice

Once the light turns green, the man in the  truck slowly, slowly, slowly drives through the intersection. I think to myself; please,sir, do not be going to the donut shop...

I finish my plea and wait for the turtle-like man in the truck to carefully ease his way into the parking lot that i need to go into. Of course.

As he meanders to park right in front of the shop, I turn into the first parking spot, hop out and sprint to beat the slow poke and be first in line.

The elation that I had from the small victory of beating my nemesis into the shop slowly drained out of me as I recognize a family member I haven't seen in years. Hopefully he is not in the mood to catch up....

We say hello and he asked me how I have been, and I say, "good, running late to work".

And then we say bye. Oh how I love people who can take a hint!

I order my iced tea and hand the dude my credit card. He keeps trying to tell me something but with his accent I have no idea what the hell he is saying.

.........Finally the other dude says "It's $0.75 extra".

I tell them it is okay, and wait while they slide my card, then I enter my pin number. The transaction goes through, and the first receipt slowly prints....but it's not my receipt, it's the merchants copy. I have to wait for the second receipt to slowly print, of course the man has trouble ripping it from the machine. He finally figures out what he's doing and hands me my receipt so I can leave.

Success! I got my tea, my receipt and it's time to fly to work. Then I see a man in a very large pick-up truck backing up into the spot next to me. I have to walk around him as he completes his bonehead parking job.

Now my car is very close to his crooked truck (the moron isn't very good at backing up apparently), plus it's blocking my visibility I still maneuver recklessly out of my spot and towards the street because I have two minutes to be at my desk.

I have no problems on the freeway but when I exit I notice two people pulling trailers, and they are having trouble at the stop sign because it has a humongous dip...

We all wait for the two trucks, which are each pulling trailers and nervous about the dip they have to nivigate to get through the intersection. By the time I get to the stop sign, the chick who was there a second before me is just like everyone else in the world:
 she has not a care in the world this Monday morning and therefore no need to hurry, or even go at a normal speed.

I drive around her while she is still going through the intersection....and I am thinking, dear god, the way my morning is going, my boss will definitely be at my desk, wondering why I am late and then wondering how often I am late, because I do not punch a clock. (I am rarely late, by the way, right on time, yes. Late, no.)  I really don't want to get a bad reputation at work.....Maybe I shoulda went without the ice tea? lol.

The last intersection I have to deal with before I am safe at my desk, I get there third...Goddammit!!!!

As I check my surroundings, I notice two high school children preparing to cross in front of me. I thought school was out already! I make an executive decision and decide to go before my turn. I safely make it through the intersection without killing anyone or causing a fender bender and I am finally at work....four minutes late. 

Luckily my boss wasn't there when I arrived. 
Tonight I will brew some tea at home....