Wednesday, February 29, 2012

not davey jones!

so davey jones from the monkees passed away today of a heart attack. he was 66. i used to have the biggest crush on this guy when i was younger. then i grew up and realized how short he was. so then my affection went towards the other two monkeys, peter tork and michael nesmith.

my mom had a thing for micky dolenz.

i can see why, but when i was younger i thought she was kind of crazy. 

okay, so davey jones passed, and so did whitney houston. don't celebrities usually die in threes? well, someone who is a celebrity to me passed yesterday, but her death went unnoticed to a lot of the public; jan berenstain. her husband and she wrote the beloved berenstain bears books.

i loved those books. they were cheesy but taught you good lessons. believe it or not i have good morals and stayed out of trouble most of my youth and i think stan and jan berenstein had a big role in teaching me right from wrong.

and now look at me, the ultimate pevoid! thank you stan and jan!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

mysogonistic men are terrible in bed.

when all these politicians speak about how planned parenthood, ellen degenerous and the girl scouts are corrupting young women, what they are really saying is that they do not want to live in a world of progressively sexual women. they want to revert back to the days when women were meant to be looked at and not heard. women who had to settle for a sub par lover because it was practically the only option for women in the past.

but those days are over, praise the lord. women don't have to put up with bad lovers to avoid work...unless they relied on their looks their whole life...if they did they are probably getting tea bagged by some old hangy balls right now...

..but now that i mention it, tea baggers are usually good lovers right? not! tea bagging goes along with golden showers and bukaki. it has no pleasure for most women, it's mostly for men who get off on degrading women... a dude like that probably had an empty dance card most of his life and it made him bitter. so i would assume, in his head, he is not spooging on his current lovers face; he is spooging on the face of all the women who have rejected him.

so what's wrong with planned parenthood? it helps out women who do not have healthcare. it keeps the population down by providing free birth control and affordable abortions. i just cannot understand why men insist on making rules for women and their bodies. especially republican men. they love to enforce rules that will not affect them. they don't want gays to get married (even though eventually half of them get outed eventually). i understand. they are afraid to be themselves (gay) so they do not want anyone who has enough courage to be themselves, to have the same rights. what good christian morals!

and god forbid ellen degenerous can be successful. i bet it boggles hateful people's minds that america likes ellen even though she is a practicing lesbian. now every little girl in america is going to become gay because they see a gay success on television....but who was ellen's gay role model? if there wasn't a gay women on tv to corrupt ellen, how did she become gay? we need more gay role models like ellen so that children who feel bad about their sexual orientation can realize it is not wrong to love a certain sex....but call me a Prude, i still think it's wrong to love a sheep in a carnal manner.

honestly, i don't know much about the girl scouts, but it seems everyone's "beef" with the girl scouts is that they teach tolerance to young girls, by not discriminating against homosexuals. 

what about what jersey shore and disney teach young girls? mtv and disney is accelerating societies downfall. well, that and parents that do not talk to their children about what they images they are being fed. 

but it's pretty funny how there aren't any staunch republicans causing an uproar over snooky or miley cyrus; and that's because they like women like that; who are eager to please all the men of the world....and that's what they want us to instill in young women.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

fat tuesday? more like fat everday.

i am definitely not religious, but technically speaking, i guess i am categorized as catholic, since i was baptized as such. i was thinking that it would be kind of a lark to give up my pesctarianism for lent. now, the reason it is supposed to be funny is because during lent, at least on friday's, the faithful give up meat. so i would be giving up, giving up meat! get it? oh well, i think it's funny.

i wanted to go to church on wednesday and do the whole bit with the ash cross on my forehead, to make it all the more blasphemous, but i don't know, it seems like a lot of work. there is a catholic church right down the street from my house (it's actually where i was baptized) but i believe it is a spanish speaking church. i guess it doesn't matter what language it is since i don't really care what the priest has to say anyway.

so today i guess i gotta live it up right? before lent. get crazy with the vegetables before i am forced to eat meat of poor defenseless animals. actually, i need to lose weight so i think it will be beneficial for me to eat grilled chicken for a month to start off my weight loss.

i'm kind of addicted to weight loss shows, not really the fattest loser (biggest loser) but all the other ones i can find. anyway, they always make the fatsos eat grilled chicken. it looks so good an i miss it so much.

another thing i must do to drop some lb's is, i must cut back drastically on my alcohol intake. now, that will be a very hard thing to accomplish. i am not gonna quite altogether mind you, but i have to add it into my daily calories, and unless i skip a meal, alcohol isn't really gonna fit into the game plan.

i suppose i am doomed to fail and be overweight forever. but a girl can dream can't she?

Friday, February 17, 2012

i couldn't do it

i am watching a cheesy movie on lifetime television called mini's first time.  now, basically, what it's about is a high school starts prostituting and her first john is her moms husband. they daughter and the sleazy husband get along so smashingly, they decide to drug the mom and set her up as a crazy woman, so that they can live happily ever after with the mom out of the way, without getting a pesky divorce and losing have of the sleaze balls assets.

they end up driving her so crazy that she decides to overdose on sleeping pills. instead of phoning emergency, they waited until she was dead to report the incident. 

of course, a nosy detective starts to snoop around. now, this is where i am at in the movie. and i must admit, i am not cut out for murder. 

i read crime and punishment by fyodor dostoyevsky and had the worst anxiety of my life. i can't even read about a person committing a murder. and lately, for some reason i have really been into true crime. and i just cannot believe that people think it is worth it to commit murder. and also, usually people kill over some stupid shit....and the stupider the motive, the more likely they are caught!

i just do not have the capacity to endure interrogations. 

lol, okay, i am still watching mini's first time and i must admit. mini is hilarious. first time in the interrogation room she says "it was colonel mustard in the library with a candle stick" lol!

i haven't played clue in a long time nor have i heard a solved mystery mentioned. i think it's pretty damn funny. hopefully if i ever kill someone i will be cool enough to say something like that.

knowing me, immediately after the murder i would stumble to the police station covered in blood and wielding a butcher knife. 

dazed by the atrocity of murder.

my only warning to you prospective murderers is plan, plan, plan!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

step on a crack; break your mamma's back.

are you superstitious? i am, kind of. i don't know if it is superstition or my neurosis that keep me from stepping on cracks. but sometimes i like to step directly on top of a crack, it feels good...okay maybe it's my neurosis.

but i am superstitious to an extent. for instance, yesterday it was raining and so i had my umbrella in the living room. i was gonna open it because i forgot what the picture on it looked like. yet, i decided not to open it in fear of receiving bad luck from opening an umbrella indoors. i know it is stupid to believe such myths, but lately things haven't been going too well for me so i didn't really feel like tempting the gods. 

but then, what might be good luck for some is bad luck for others.

i assume that the thought that opening an umbrella indoors came from a neat freak who was tired of slobs opening wet umbrellas inside his hotel lobby so he made up the lie and it worked.

maybe, when people do stuff i don't like i can tell them it's bad luck to do it. i wish some influential person would have started the superstition that if you don't cover your mouth after you cough or wash your hand after using the restroom was bad luck. which really it is, not so much for your but for the poor unsuspecting person who touches something after you do or you couch in someones face and give them a cold.

anyways, i decided to do some research on superstitions and where they derived from. (by research i mean i found someone else's research from this website

It's bad luck to walk under a ladder. This came from the early Christian belief that a leaning ladder formed a triangle with the wall and ground. You must never violate the Holy Trinity by walking through a triangle, lest you be considered in league with the devil. (And you all know what good Christians did to people they suspected of being in league with the devil.) 
Don't spill the salt. Although some people believe that Judas spilt salt during the last supper, this claim can't be proven. Salt was a very precious expensive commodity in the middle ages. It was also used for medicinal purposes. If you spilled any, you must immediately throw it over your left shoulder to strike the nasty spirits in the eye, thus preventing sickness. 

" Breaking Mirrors = 7 years bad luck. Some time ago (ancient Romans, if I remember right), people believed that reflections were actually glimpses of the viewers soul. People had gazing pools in their gardens in which they could look at themselves. A really mean thing to do was wait until a person was gazing at their reflection and throw a stone in the water because the distruption of the reflection affected their soul and brought about bad luck. We don't have gazing pools anymore, but the mirror breaking superstition still lives on." - Donald Wilson -

i don't know, seems like a bunch of malarkey to me. first thing i am gonna do when i go home today is to open my umbrella indoors....but if i get bad luck i am gonna blame you people...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

who the (bleep) did i marry?!

i am watching some recorded episodes of the I.D. channel's show: who the (bleep) did i marry. have you ever seen it? i love it.!

so far, on most of the episodes of love gone bad, the couple is referred to as "barbie and ken" ladies, if you are in a perfect barbie and ken relationship....get out now!! don't look back! the man is evil!

there is the old adage: if it's too good to be true, it probably is.

but another thing i have noticed is there were little hints here and there. but i assume all relationships have little red flags....don't they?

i am anti-marriage. i just think it is silly to tie your life to someone just because you love them. it's not the fifties, we have women's lib. why must we involve paperwork. oh yeah, the smart involve paperwork to get the same benefits as their spouse, or to get a good chunk of their money after the divorce.

i am totally pro gay marriage. i believe everyone should have equal rights. but really, i hate marriage all together and think it should be abolished. it's not necessary anymore, people as individuals can and should be able to take care of themselves.

the stories of love gone bad on who the (bleep) did i marry aren't stories of whirlwind romances. a lot of the women were engaged for a while before things went sour. or, they were married a long time before they discovered the monster they had trusted. 

what's a relationship if you can't evolve? but also, what's worse than falling in love with someone who you think that you know; but you have no idea about the real person they are. that's some scary shit. 

so hopefully, when your marriage comes to it's bitter end; it's not because your spouse ended up being a psychotic killer, it's because he is a lazy harmless neanderthal.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

love is a many splendid thing!

it's valentine's day people! and for some wacky reason, i am just giddy with love!!! all day on facebook i have been posting love videos, songs, simpsons clips! and if my boyfriend doesn't have flowers for me this evening heads will roll!! just kidding.

i usually have a charlie brown view of this holiday. the "woe is me, nobody loves me" kind of mentality. that's even when i am in a relationship. but i am assuming the fact that i only had an hour or too of sleep might have made me punch drunk enough to be in love with love for the day.

but yes, sometimes valentine's day can be a cold, heartless bitch. 
there is a chuck palahniuk quote that i like to share on this day:

 “The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

i pretty much feel that is true. everyone has "the one that got away" even if they are very happy in the relationship they currently have, there is usually always someone they want more; same goes for their spouse.

that's one of the reasons i relate to woody allen flicks so much. in most of his movies, the characters are happy in a relationship until they end up meeting someone who they just have to have. i've been there, and if you have never been in that kind of predicament i fill sorry for you. it's excruciating, exciting, and damn near unbearable. it's all quite fun.
 but i have always enjoyed having crushes on people. even more so than actually having them like me back. i have never been too fearful of rejection because to me, the crush was so much fun it made me ambivalent on whether they shared my feelings or not.

having sex dreams about the one you want is awesome. makes you hate to wake up doesn't it? but when you do, it seems you like that person even more.
we gotta be self sufficient right? if you don't have a valentine, get yourself a present. i made my boyfriend give my presents to me early so you know what i did? i bought me an awesome willie nelson shirt to wear at his concert i will be attending march 9th, 2012! 

happiness is key in life, if you can't get it from yourself, good luck getting it from someone else.

Monday, February 13, 2012

surprise, surprise!

well whatdya know? everyone is talking about how great beyonce looks just 5 weeks after giving birth. we all saw this coming didn't we? i honestly am one of the conspiracy theory folks when it comes to beyonce and her child. i am convinced she hired a surrogate. we are all pawns in the celebrity game.

and what about those boobies! now, i remember growing up with a kind of flat chested beyonce. but because her life is so perfectly wonderfully, she lost weight, and her boobs grew! they should study her biology in labs all around the world, because if they can pin point which gene of her dna lets you lose weight while your tits get bigger, the scientist would become rich and the world would be a better looking place.

now, i understand that beyonce looks thicker than usual in these "post-baby" pictures, and if you get fat your chest get's bigger. so i just assume that she didn't want to be obvious about getting too skinny, so jay z let her get thicker, to keep the charade going.

i know i might be being hard on poor beyonce. it's just frustrating to me that this role model is perpetuating the myth that some people have the perfect life. she has a great career, as does her husband. she lost weight and naturally grew boobs. she decided to have a baby and she got pregnant right away. there were no complications with the pregnancy and five months later she looks great. both her parents are alive and all her siblings are alive and well.

 her life couldn't be better if her publicist had wrote it herself.

now whitney houston is an artist i can really stand behind, she let it all hang out. and now she is dead, but if anything her reasonably early demise reminds people that you can have it all, but if you are not careful, you become a sad statistic and the butt of a lot of mean jokes.

whatever beyonce's vice is, she has kept it well hidden and probably will till she dies. so little girls who admire her, will never be able to come close to what beyonce has, and they'll be depressed and bitter; against everyone but beyonce.

Friday, February 10, 2012

god doesn't want you to have sex for fun; that's why he made it feel so good. duh.

the pope does not like condoms. he, and his followers believe that sex is only for reproduction purposes. so if you are to use condoms or any other type of birth control, you are fornicating and should probably go to hell. 

is it those thoughts that make nasty backwards priests feel it's better to molest an altar boy, then to have consentual, protected sex with a woman or man?

until recently the pope was completely against condom use. finally, in 2010, he decided to condone condom use in certain cases.

well praise the lord! thank you pope, at least now some of the poor souls that think you are worth listening to can have less guilt about protecting themselves during sex. coz guess what, people are going to have sex regardless, so let's make it safe.

in a step out of the dark ages, the united states government decided to make free birth control available to all women through there insurance. of course, that was too progressive and wonderful for the religious kooks in this country. 

instead of wanting the world to be a better place, they want people to be punished with unwanted pregnancies and std's. if you are too scared to do fun stuff because of your god, that's fine. but don't try to ruin it for everyone else. if your god does exist, he will show people his wrath on judgement day or send them to hell when they die. you just worry about yourself. 
i don't believe in heaven or hell. but if they exist, give me a one way ticket to hell please. 
i sure the fuck don't want to spend eternity in  heaven with a bunch of hypocritical prudes, and a misogynistic, vengeful god.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

i'm not always angry

i am a misanthrope, but there are a few humans that make me terribly happy. that sad thing is, they are all people that most of the human race has contempt for: woody allen, r kelly and howard stern.

 i understand why many find woody allen despicable. he was married to mia farrow, adopted a bunch of children with her, and then fell in love with their adopted daughter.

i  haven't read mia farrows book, but i heard that she describes the the way woody allen acted around soon yi; and it's pretty fucking creepy.

i wish i didn't support the career of an alleged pedophile, but i do. some of my favorite movies are woody allen flicks: a midsummer night's sex comedy, hannah and her sisters, another woman, crimes and misdemeanors, mighty aphrodite, everyone says i love you, deconstructing harry, small time crooks, hollywood ending, anything else, match point, scoop, vicki christina barcelona, you will meet a tall dark stranger, midnight in paris,and my absolute favorite movie of all time, whatever works.

boris yellnikoff is the main character in the movie. he is so hilarious. it's great, even riding a bicycle gets him on a tirade against society.

most of woody allen movies speak to me, and i appreciate that his films are the few movies made these days that have impressive dialogue. some probably think it's pretentious to have a lot of big or uncommon words in a movie, but if you love words as much as i do, you don't see it as pretension, you just appreciate how wonderful it is. i think a lot of explosions in a movie is pretentious. so there.

so, r kelly urinated on a fifteen year old. girl. i know that is bad. but i have also known some very sexually mature fifteen year olds. i guess men like to give golden showers because they get off on humiliating women, which i think is lame. r kelly was pretty stupid for recording it. i don't approve of his behavior, but he has a lot of funny songs and his double up album was probably one of the most incredibly funny albums i have ever heard in my life.

leave your name is such a hilarious song. he basically tells a story about a crazy night out, and it's pretty great, but the chorus is his voice mail message:

[Chorus 1]
Leave your name right after the beep and I'm
Sure to get back with you
If I'm not asleep or
Smoking on some trees or
Having a little sex or
If I'm not faded or
Making a baby
it's basically the best outgoing message ever.
he has two more songs that are just ridiculously wonderful, sex planet and the zoo.
and he also has a great song called real talk. it's pretty funny, he is yelling at his girlfriend the whole song.
the third, probably most hated man that makes my life worth living is the great howard stern.

i honestly do not get why people hate howard stern so much. oh wait, yeah i do. america hates honesty. they prefer creepy dudes that do despicable things in secret, and then boast about morals. someone like howad, who just says what he thinks coz it's funny is the true evil.

he supports and appreciates our troops and cares about animals. he has never been involved in any kind of scandal, yet people hate him. i think common sense scares americans.
i really don't care if he is hated, i think it's stupid, but as long as i get to hear howard three times a week, i am happy girl :)