Wednesday, August 31, 2011


oh family. it's wonderful to have family right? they are there to comfort you when you are feeling low, loan you money when you need it, blah, blah, blah. but since i was younger i have always wanted the least amount of family possible. family makes you feel bad....and this is coming from a person who has a truly understanding and supportive family. they root me on no matter what. they have accepted my flaws and peculiaralities. but the worst thing about them is how much they love me. their love for me makes me rethink my whole "live fast die young" mentality. i have always yearned for a life of freedom...freedom from worrying about hurting my loved ones due to my debaucherous activities. liver disease, HIV, poverty....if i am doomed to experience those things i want to do it in solitude...not with my family suffering my fate also.
so what is the answer? cutting family out of my life? of course not. that would hurt them just as bad. it sucks and i feel screwed.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

liver disease

so i am under the weather today and my hypochondria is at an all time high lately. also is my anxiety. my internal organs have been hurting, yet i have consumed an unholy amount of alcohol in the last two weeks. so i am very worried that it is not just my hypochondria acting up. while in total fear of death and the unknown here is what i painted:
i am not sure how i feel about this painting, but i must express how therapeutic art is. in the hour or so i spent working on mr green hair, i was relaxed, and my worries subsided. and now i am back to being a complete neurotic mess :)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

this is supposed to be the happiest day of my life!!

ah, every time i hear someone exclaim about what is supposed to be the happiest day of their life, they are talking about their wedding. hmmm, what a sad, sad life if your wedding day is the happiest day. i do not say that maliciously, i just do not understand out of at least 18 years of life (supposing said person got married as young as possible) the happiest of all days is when you legally bind yourself to someone.
my idea of the happiest day of my life is an all day orgy/drugfest that someone (who is not me) pays for.
i take various risks daily. i once met someone online and let them take me to an empty warehouse. i have mixed plenty of drugs that one really shouldn't mix. i've woken up next to many mistakes in mysterious places. i confront men and women that could do some major bodily harm to me. and right now, event tho my kidneys/liver have been hurting for about two weeks straight, i just ordered another 3 pack of tall cans.
the reason i am describing my precarious livelihood is because i enjoy living on the edge but the last thing in the world i would EVER want to do is tie my life to someone else.
so to those that do (and they are doing it in droves) i tip my hat to you! you are far more crazy than i am.

Monday, August 8, 2011


I am sooo stressed out about animals. this morning at three a.m. i awoke and could not stop thinking about a "faces of death" video i saw when i was in jr high that showed poor rabbits being torn apart while they were still alive.

i just finished reading chuck palahniuk's "lullaby", which was a very good book but makes you think of the animal cruelty in the food industry; a specific quote:
"in my refrigerator, the milk's gone sour. all that pain and suffering wasted. the cheese is huge and blue with mold. a package of hamburger has gone gray inside its plastic wrap. the eggs look okay, but they're not, they can't be, not after this long. all the effort and misery that went into this food, and it's all going in the garbage. the contributions of all those miserable cows and veals, it gets thrown out."
-lullaby(chuck palahniuk)

luckily i read this quote after i recently gave up meat. want to know why i recently gave up meat? i had went on a walk with my cousin and saw a herd of cows (with a few calf's) and they were all staring at me...and i swear that with their eyes they were asking me "why do you contribute to our pain and suffering?" 

the cows with their sorrowful eyes and chuck palahnuik's eye opening words forced me to give up meat for the third time....yes, the third time. i obviously have no will power but i really hope i can maintain my vegetarianism this time. my longest stint was over a year, and the second time was barely a month. to top it all off i still consume egg, seafood and dairy. if i buy eggs i try to purchase "cage free"...if that even matters. and for some reason i don't feel bad for seafood...i know that is wrong, i mean, who am i to judge which animals deserve to live. all i know is i have to start small, and slowly work my way towards vegan. hopefully by the time i get to that point i can afford a private vegan chef or i can get enough education and money to prepare my own vegan meals.

today on my walk, my cousin and i were followed by a darling stray dog. the small backwards town that i reside in (and grew up in ) has no concern for animals. it is so frustrating. there are so many strays and tons of people leave their gates open and let their animals run amuck...meanwhile cars are zooming by.

it's infuriating to say the least. i wish people would adopt animals....when they are ready for a real commitment. and also society needs to stop supporting dog breeders.

i can go on and on about all the jerkwad things that humans do to animals but i have to throw up now and sob in my bedroom about all the suffering creatures in the world...i cannot....i will not focus on this subject anymore tonight. i hate to be an ostrich with my head in the sand but there is only so much animal cruelty i can acknowledge without taking a hatchet and ridding the world of assholes that feel they are entitled to treat animals like shit. i am not religious but i wish there was a hell and all the pricks that do not consider animals feelings have to go there....or better yet...reincarnatin would be good coz then they can come back as animals. that would be perfect....just for my peace of mind. whenever i see a suffering animal, to ease my heart, i will assume the animal is a reincarnated human that was cruel to animals in their past life.

Sunday, August 7, 2011


delirium tremens

delirium tremens

  [tree-muhnz, -menz]  Show IPA
noun Pathology .
a withdrawal syndrome occurring in persons who have developedphysiological dependence on alcohol, characterized by tremor,visual hallucinations, and autonomic instability. Abbreviation:  d.t.

when people asked me if i had d.t.'s i figured it had something to do with shaking from alcohol withdrawal, but nothing as scary as autonomic instability and hallucinations. for some reason i always assumed that detoxing from alcohol wouldn't be a big deal.  

anywho, i woke up with a hangover this morning and thought that i would look up hangovers in a thesaurus. and this was the result:

Main Entry:hangover
Part of Speech:noun
Definition:result of heavy drinking
Synonyms:DTs, aftereffect, big head, delirium tremens,drunkenness,
headache, morning after, shakes,under the weather, willies, 


i love that the antonym is sobriety, it seems so obvious now 

but for some reason when i pray to the lord above and ask 
her to never let me have a hangover again, sobriety never 
pops into my head as a solution.

incidentally, i have a hangover helper for those that aren't 

afraid to try a weird junk food combination; pickles and 
hot cheetos with a 7up/alkaseltzer chaser.

here's what you do: take a bite of pickle (not kosher) and 

then throw a hot cheeto in your mouth and eat it together. 
you will be surprised by how much they compliment each 
other. i follow up the cheeto/pickle meal with a large 7up 
with ice and an alkaseltzer dissolved inside.

 your hangover will not be cured....but you feel soooo 

much better. the actually cure for a hangover is beer....lots 
and lots of beer. 

and now i shall post the hangover inspired painting i did today:
i thought of a kewpie doll with pubic hair and bags under his
eyes....coz no matter how cute you once...were the bags 
and hair appear.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

blog lovin

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And so it goes.....

good morning everybody! it is 1438 on the west coast. i do not like using capitalization....i hope y'all don't mind. this pervoid blog has no specific theme. it is just a young women expressing her views and expressing her frustration with society. i am a self proclaimed misanthrope that would abolish many nations if given the chance. just kidding, i would abolish certain individuals that fit particular demographics. i am new at spewing my thoughts regularly so please have patience as i find my blog niche. now i must devour a lemon half, thank you and goodnight.