Tuesday, September 27, 2011

a freak like me

so i am possible ending my second long term relationship today. i'm troubled. not because i want  marriage or a prince to gallop on a white horse into my dismal life. i just feel as if there is no one that is in my same realm. even friends.
     here's my profile: a blunt, neurotic, nympho, semi-ghetto, cultural, alcoholic free spirit. one of my closest cousins has a saying for us: We're to intellectual for the streets, and too street for the intellectuals
     the thing is, i have only had two serious relationships in my life. the first guy i totally connected with on an intellectual level, the second i connect with on a ghetto level. what i am looking for is a person who has a sexual appetite as ravenous as mine. a person who has interest in the arts, fine dining and learning new things. i wouldn't say i would want an alcoholic but i would like someone who likes the occasional drink and can handle their liquor. and if they want to drink as often as i do they should at least have cab money so that we may get home safely and without hurting others. i used to be a pothead, i will probably be one again at some point, i take a few years off here and there but i usually go back to it. but i don't want to be with a pothead or alcoholic, i just want someone who is willing to deal with all of my addictions because they like to dabble themselves.
     i love to party, but partying hasn't meshed well with the two relationships. the first guy, went to parties but he didn't actually party, and i always wanted to stay all night and have a blast. the dude i may be breaking up with now is the opposite, i dread partying with him because i hate how inebriated he gets and that their may be a fight. now, when i refer to myself as ghetto; i used to fight a lot. occasionally i get the urge but it has taken me a long time to try subdue the violent part of my personality. my parents promoted violence all through my childhood and once i took a step back and thought for myself i realize how ridiculous and unnecessary it is to resort to violence.
     the recent guy also has an extremely large family and i am going broke celebrating all of their milestones(we are already broke but since we live about a 1 1/2 hour drive away it costs money just to show our faces) . my last dude only had immediate family, and then an aunt and uncle with two children, that was it. i loved it.
     so here is the score: my two serious relationships have been total opposites. i cannot seem to find someone who has a good mix that would suit me, and i would suit them. woe is me. maybe i am more like Ignatius J. Reilly than i care to admit. he is the lead character of  A Confederacy of Dunces which is one of my favorite books, if not the favorite. i relate to Ignatius so much, maybe, like he, i am just supposed to be alone, and when i finally find someone it wont even be about the sex. who knows.

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