boy oh boy, am i getting ugly fast!

i liked to enjoy myself. always have. anything that feels or taste good, i want to do it until either i can no longer afford it or i am absolutely sickened by the thought of it. so that is why i am fat, my teeth aren't as white as they should be, my eyes are a little dingy and i have rather large bags under my eyes daily.

and i know why i am getting ugly so rapidly, i just cannot kick my willpower into gear. i don't want to stop drinking, or popping pills. the drinking keeps me eating. wine, tea and my affinity for lemons have stripped the enamel from my teeth. if i am popping pills,  i tend to lay down, enjoying my muscles relaxing instead of exercising. i guess the only good thing i am addicted to is sex. at least it makes me do some cardio.

i bet when you see a person who has let themselves go, you wonder, "good grief, why did they let that happen, don't they even care, do they not have any pride?". that's what i am thinking when i see someone who has clearly given up on themselves. but, myself, being one of these people, i must tell you; we see it happening, we would like to get our shit together, we just cannot take that step to give up what has been deteriorating our looks. i understand that this world is full of many people who do not have an addictive personality. i must sound like an idiot to those lucky folks. my personality is highly addictive, so i can relate to the other sad excuses for humans who cannot control their vices.

i feel bad for lindsey lohan, and i don't feel bad for her. the only reason i have remorse for her is because her physical decline happens in front of all of america. for instance, the fact that she is in her early twenties and they have photographs of her rotting teeth. how out of it must you be to not remember (or notice) how nasty your teeth are? and shouldn't you remind yourself that it's probably best to only smile with a closed mouth while cameras are around?

i would of been humiliated, i doubt she was. but in the plethora of reasons why i don't feel bad for her;  the next week she got new teeth and she constantly gets away with being a drugged out mess.

i also feel for christina aguilera and jessica simpson, because i too, was a hot girl who turned fat. i am grateful i had my downfall out of the prying eyes of gossip sites. only my friends and family got to see my demise....and that's humiliating enough. actually, the worst part is the people who have only known me in my fat years, they can't even fathom how fuckable i used to be.

oscar wilde really was onto something when he penned the picture of dorian gray! one of my favorite books of all time. for those who are not aware of the premise; dorian gray is a beautiful young man, undefiled by the temptations of sin. a friend of his, paints his portrait, capturing all his innocence and beauty, and dorian makes a comment about never wanting to lose his looks. 

 

 “I am jealous of everything whose beauty does not die. I am jealous of the portrait you have painted of me. Why should it keep what I must lose? Every moment that passes takes something from me and gives something to it. Oh, if it were only the other way! If the picture could change, and I could be always what I am now! Why did you paint it? It will mock me some day—mock me horribly!”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

 

eventlually, he starts to dabble with whores and the seedy life, and notices that as he stays handsome and young, the portrait of him is what is acquiring all the ugliness of the sin he is enjoying.

i would looooove that! 

“Sin is a thing that writes itself across a man's face. It cannot be concealed.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray 

 

 i wish someone would have took a picture of me in my innocent prime so i could give my soul and never age.

or, i guess i could man up and actually deny myself everything that gives me joy so that i can become semi-good looking again.

my biggest fear is to die as i look now. god, closed casket please!!!